Happy Gotcha Day...

Today is “Gotcha Day” -a term used in the adoption world for the day we “got” Justin. Two years ago we took him on a big bus with us and drove away from the orphanage and towards a new adventure. As I’ve said so many times, it’s been awesome. But it’s also been hard. There are some things with his behavior that cause me to continue to wonder, is this an adoption issue, or is it just his personality?  I don’t know how many adoptive moms wonder that, but I can’t believe I’m the only one. Biological parents might wonder what the difference is, who cares why they are behaving a certain way, just address the behavior. But for me, it really helps to try to know the causes, the hidden messages, the possible fears, the brokenness that lie behind a behavioral issue.  The basic truth is that all adoptions come out of brokenness.  That's the essence of what it is.  Parenting and discipline can be carried out from so many different angles; I just want to know what I’m dealing with.

For example, Justin is so very social, he talks to anyone, anytime, anyplace. That’s just him. He started talking early and hardly ever stops! He loves entertaining and performing… everyone finds him charming and adorable… but here is where I start to feel uncomfortable: I can be somewhere talking to another woman that he doesn’t even know, and he will walk up and ask HER for a drink of water! You have to admit that doesn’t seem normal! I keep reminding him to ask mom and dad for help, that we are here to help him. He continues to ask friends, relatives, strangers for help without discretion, with me standing right there. So as a mom, wouldn’t you wonder why he does that? Does he not see me as his primary care provider? Does he not feel more comfortable and trusting of me over strangers? Although he continues to scream when we drop him off at his church class, at this point that is purely a control issue. –Which leads to another issue…

Today is his “gotcha day”, a day to celebrate him joining our family … but it’s hard to feel celebratory when I’ve dealt with two major, prolonged, oppositional screaming fits today. Every day usually isn’t that bad, but he does have a lot of oppositional behavior. I say black, he says white. I say yes, he says no. I say left, he says right. Daily. Often and repeatedly. He wants to be in charge, period. Examples: He woke up after a nap and I said, “Hi! Did you have a good nap?” He frowns and says, “No! It was naughty!” Another time he was having a blast swimming in a lake and I said, “Justin, don’t you just love swimming?!” He again said, “No! The water is naughty!” -Just to disagree with me! He is a charming child, but he can be difficult to parent. I know that control and oppositional behavior are common adoption issues, but are not exclusive to adoption. Which again causes me to wonder, are these an adoption issues, or just his personality?! Either way, maybe it really doesn’t matter. It may not, but it could.  But it seems like with adoption (at least for me) there is always a nagging spot in the back of my mind, a question mark, an unknown, something that continues to ask what’s behind this? A mysterious lurking type feeling.

I love this child, my son. I am not sharing this to complain about him or to publicize his behavior. But I want to be honest and open about the world of adoption, and it’s kind of complicated. Right now I am watching Justin sing while he is using screwdrivers as drumsticks on the floor (he’s “helping” Travis with a project). He is a joy and a blessing… just a complicated one.

Happy Gotcha Day, Sweetheart!