How Could I Ask For More?

Multitasking... really?!

2012-01-26T17:00:00.000-06:00

I know many women proudly wear the badge of being a proficient multitasker. I'll agree that, being a woman, my mind is always thinking about many things at once; I can't compartmentalize like my husband. I can pray while driving, I can plan a grocery list while folding laundry, I can write a letter in my head while showering, ...you get the point.

But, here is what I cannot do:

I cannot follow an unfamiliar or complicated recipe while talking to my kids.
I cannot browse the internet and listen to my husband talk at the same time.
I cannot hold a conversation on the phone and deal with my kids at the same time. (And I've talked with enough other moms on the phone to know that they can't, either.)
I cannot read my own book while listening to my son read (honestly! I try!).
I cannot talk on the phone and watch tv (or browse online) simultaneously.
I cannot write an email or Facebook message while also holding a conversation in person.

Now, this doesn't mean I don't TRY to do these things -I do them! Everyday I catch myself trying to "multitask" relationships. I might pretend to be able to do both things at once, but quite frankly, I cannot. I'm just shifting attention back and forth, not fully concentrating on either one. I cannot share concentration. The very definition of concentration implies that it cannot be shared:

con·cen·tra·tion /ˌkɒnsənˈtreɪʃən/
noun
1. the act of concentrating; the state of being concentrated.
2. exclusive attention to one object; close mental application.

When I see all the portable media distraction around us, I have a sinking feeling that our culture is losing the ability to concentrate (and understanding the value of it). And beyond concentration, we are losing the ability to show respect and value to the person in front of us. It's almost like we have come to crave and need distraction!

I've been reading an engrossing book called The Next Story by Tim Challies, about life and faith after the digital explosion. In it he says this:

"Often, we assume that we must or should change to accommodate the new technology. We doubt that the technology could itself be the cause of the problem. We give technology the power to shape and change and fashion us, remaking ourselves in its image. ...Rather than changing the technology to fit our understanding of what is right and wrong, we change ourselves and our society's rules and mores, and we reshape ourselves in the image of the mobile phone." (p.27) He goes on to say that this is one step away from creating idols.

What a profound perspective!
We tend and nurture our relationship with our media as if it is giving us life, energy, purpose. It sounds like a role only God should have in our lives! We often ignore or disregard the people in front of us, so that we can attend to more distant or non-existent relationships online.

Challies also says this:
"We become digitally disincarnated, people who can live and be online, present only in the virtual, mediated self. Increasingly who we are is no longer the person people meet face-to-face, but the mediated identity we have created... We take our self, our sense of presence, and transport it into the ethereal world of bits and bytes. Suddenly we are here and there, at a desk in body but in soul or spirit somehow present in cyberspace. And this is new to us, new to the human experience. When we venture into this world, this mediated world, we leave our bodies behind." (pp.99-100)

Reading that felt like a light bulb "duh!" moment for me. I can't be in two places at once! But with technology, we try, we even think we succeed at it. We try to be present online, on Facebook, on the phone, texting, etc., while also being present wherever our physical body is, but we can't. I can't. When we talk about having an internet "presence", we are implying that we are present somewhere in the nebulous online world. But that means our physical presence is "on hold" when we are mentally and emotionally present somewhere else. I cannot hold both an online presence and a "fully present" presence in my physical world at the same time. My kids know it, my husband knows it. I know it. I've been around others while they are media distracted to know that they are not fully present in their physical world at the same time, either.

Many of us have often cried in frustration, "I can't be in two places at once!" when we are feeling pulled in multiple directions, distracted, hurried, and overscheduled. But here we are now, with our constant media presence, trying to be both here and there. It is still impossible to be two places at once, but we try. We just become chronically hurried, we become skimmers, we become information seekers and not understanders. We want just the facts, just the bling, we don't want to slow down, concentrate, mull over, think up a thoughtful response, enjoy moments, remember, integrate thoughts.

I just want us to quit fooling ourselves. Is anybody with me on this? Since reading what Challies says about our online presence, I have felt challenged in the way I use technology at home. Do I fool myself in thinking that I am still plugged in with my family when I am also plugged in online? I need to be honest with myself about it and realize I can't be in two places at once. There is a time a place for everything ...just not at the same time. I don't want to multitask relationships.

I find this book fascinating and I would highly recommend it to any media user -it is informative, challenging, convicting, and encouraging! He doesn't condemn technology, he just wants it to be kept in its proper place.

Even This, Lord?!

2012-01-15T21:18:00.002-06:00

Despite being born and raised in Wisconsin, I have never acclimated to Wisconsin winters. I am always cold and would much prefer to hibernate on a snugly couch with a warm blanket and a book than to venture out in the frigid temperatures. The cold seems to soak right through me and I feel defenseless against the chill. Knowing that will help give background to this story...

Travis and I were on a date night last night and while we were driving home, I talked about how I wish I had a winter coat that went down to my knees with a big warm hood. I suddenly suggested, "Let's just stop by TJ Maxx and see what they have." Travis quickly turned the other way and we headed off on an impromptu mission.

"This late in the season, they probably aren't going to have much, will they?" I mused. "Probably not." Travis responded.

"Well, Lord," I prayed out loud, "If you think this is something I could use, as a special blessing, I'm hoping for a long coat -to my knees, with a big warm hood... and in a color I would wear -like black."
"With fur around the hood for extra warmth," Travis added. I laughed.

Instantly I felt a bit sheepish..."Lord, I know I really don't need a new coat. I am just hoping for one. I have $50 from Christmas that I could use..."

How could I ask for a new coat when I have a perfectly good coat, there are so many people with no coat at all.

I entered the store with eager expectation, yet feeling hesitantly restrained. We found and approached the woman's coat section and I instantly saw that it was picked over and sparse. There were about six coats left...

Then I saw it. It was long, it had a big hood (with fur), it was black.
I looked at the price tag: "end of season clearance"... $58.

Seriously?! I tried it on and laughed.
I laughed out loud.
I looked at Travis and exclaimed, "Seriously?!"
I hugged the warm hood around my face and cried, "I LOVE it!"

Thank You, Lord!

I often think that my "unnecessary" desires are not worth asking the Lord for. How could I ask for something unnecessary for myself when I am aware of the needs of others that far surpass my own. But I also know that I am a child of God, He is my Father. And as a mother, I know what a joy it is to give special, unnecessary gifts and surprises to my children. It's love. Extravagant love. God cares about my big things, and about my little things. It's such a good reminder and such a special gift.
This was much more than serendipity, it was an intentional work of the Lord to remind His daughter that she matters.
He always hears me and cares, even in this.

A Christmas Injustice

2011-12-14T23:06:00.001-06:00

This is the most majestic, powerful, moving piece of music that I have ever heard. It brings tears to my eyes and I am moved with emotion by its beauty.

As King George II heard it performed, he was so moved that he rose to his feet. All his subjects rose when he did, and it's been a tradition ever since to stand when it is played.

After composing The Hallelujah Chorus, Handel is quoted as saying: "I saw Heaven opened and the host of it worshiping the Glory of God" It truly is a magnificently inspired, and inspiring piece of art.

Yet, as Michelangelo said, "The true work of art is but a shadow of the Divine perfection."
The Hallelujah Chorus, in all its glory and majesty, is but a shadow of the inspiration behind it: The Lord God reigns forever.

Then I came across this video of the birth of Christ combined with the Hallelujah Chorus and it also brought me to tears, but this time because I felt frustrated about the injustice of Christ's entrance into the world. I had just watched the previous video -filled with jewels, tuxes, evening gowns, a large audience, pomp, and grandeur, it brings to my mind images from movies of baby princes being presented to their subjects. But this next video is a jolt to reality: the humble, unknown, and unappreciated birth of Christ juxtaposed with the Hallelujah Chorus. The chorus was written to bring glory and honor to the Lord, but we all know that the situation in which Christ was born could not have been more humble or unglorious. It makes me frustrated with the seeming injustice of it! Look at how much honor is given to the work of art, but it is but a shadow of the authentic, the Divine perfection, God became flesh. We rise to our feet when we hear the music performed, but in reality Christ was cast aside, marginalized, unnoticed.

Jesus as servant king is one of His characteristics that I doubt I will ever be able to understand! He deserved a king's entrance! Mary should have held him high and proud over His subjects, the whole world. More than any king or ruler that ever lived, He deserved the fanfare, the pomp, the glory and praise.

As Paul says in Philippians, Jesus made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant. How?! Why?!
I try, but I can't understand it.
My consolation is that He will get the praise due Him -when every knee will bow before Him (Rom. 14:11)

The music group, Downhere, puts it so well:

"How many kings step down from their thrones?

How many lords have abandoned their homes?
How many greats have become the least for me?

And how many gods have poured out their hearts
To romance a world that is torn all apart

How many fathers gave up their sons for me?

Only One did that for me..."

Adding to the Din

2011-11-30T23:42:00.004-06:00

I’ve had an eclectic collection of thoughts that have been rolling around in my head lately and recently they have begun to coalesce to point to a common theme… the din of the online social media world.

First there is the time commitment:

The Letter

Over Thanksgiving I was out of town, and as always when I am away from home, I LOVED being freed from the phone, email, and Facebook. When away, I rarely ever check my messages –I like being distraction free… But I’ve wondered why I like the “freed” feeling so much. Are those things such a burden to be weighed down by? The phone, email, FB, blogs, are all used to connect me to people, to my friends and family. Why does it sometimes feel like a burden? Humans, especially women (especially stay-at-home moms), love to connect, to be in community. It’s a good thing, we are made for it. Even Cassatt's painting from the days of the pre-telephone era shows the value and desire for connection, for correspondence.

Connecting is a good thing. But holding onto the rope that I use to maintain ties can turn into a tug-of-war when I am being distracted from my real time, real life responsibilities: planning and preparing meals, teaching my children, doing laundry, talking with my husband, family time… When the kids say, “mom” and without turning my head from the computer screen I say, “just a sec” -that is a negative tug-of-war.

I don’t necessarily feel like I am online too much, but how much is too much? When has it become a hindrance, a distraction, an interference, and waste of time?

I don't often post on Facebook; I usually just like to see what’s going on with others. I feel like I frequently filter through all the noise to try to find something important. Although I sometimes feel envious, annoyed, or bored with what I spend my time sifting through, I always wonder, what if someone posted something important that I should know and care about?! I don’t want to be insensitive by not seeing it and commenting! But I can’t put that pressure on myself. If I needed to know it, they could tell me specifically or personally. I have quit trying to keep up with everyone's updates. I simply can't.

So I have a tug-of-war at home between my laptop and my “real life”. The temptation is always there to be online longer than I should, or to seek significance online. But I have my private personal life to live, my small circle of family that I have a significant influence on, then there are widening circles of friends and family as my influence fades. I know that if my Facebook presence would disappear tomorrow, no one would bat an eye. So how much of my time belongs there? God has given me the particular people and relationships He has intended for me, my personal circle of influence. I cannot and should not try to expand those circles beyond what He intended for me; He knows my limits better than I do. Everyone outside my family has other friends and other family to fill in the gaps of my failures, but my kids have only one mom and my husband has only one wife. If I fail in those areas, there is no one else to pick up my slack!

I also have been interested in the cultural effects of the connected, social media world:

In The Facebook Effect, (a book describing the beginnings of and cultural effects of Facebook), author David Kirkpatrick reports the claim that Facebook is so wildly popular because of humans’ drive towards voyeurism and narcissism. I totally believe it… can you disagree?! How do we handle the positive side of staying connected without falling into these traps?

I’ve wondered why I want to check my email or Facebook so often throughout the day. I’m certainly not bored, I have plenty to do at home. How come something a person is saying online seems more important than what my kids or husband have to say?! When I have those little red numbers at the top of my FB page, it’s exciting… but they are really nothing to be excited about. So I found it quite interesting in Alone Together, when author and psychologist Sherry Turkle said, “Connectivity becomes a craving; when we receive a text or an e-mail, our nervous system responds by giving us a shot of dopamine. We are stimulated by connectivity itself. We learn to require it, even as it depletes us.” (p227) So seeing those red numbers on FB are giving us shots of dopamine! Is that why it excites us? Knowing that there is a physiological reaction involved, I somehow feel more equipped to resist the urge. I can resist the dopamine craving! It's not the message itself that's thrilling, but the physiological response to being connected. Interesting! Bizarre!

Then there is the issue of announcing everything to everyone:

When Elizabeth, in her old age, became pregnant with John the Baptist, the result of a promise and deep blessing from the Lord, Elizabeth kept in quiet seclusion for five months. Many believe she did so to spend her time in meditation on the goodness and mercies of God and to give praise to Him. Fascinating! Think of her temptation to share the news if she had Facebook or a blog!

Likewise, when Mary gave birth to Jesus, the shepherds told others and all who heard were amazed, BUT, “Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart.” (Luke 2:19) Quiet, alone, between her and her Lord, sweetly personal, overwhelming, breathtaking, mind boggling. The contrast that strikes me is that she didn’t boast, brag, or shout out that she just gave birth to the Savior of the world! She didn’t blog about it, tweet about it, text, call, IM, FB… it to all of her friends and “sort-of” friends. She pondered them in her heart.

It just gets me wondering…

In our age of Facebook and Twitter and blogs, is anything kept quiet?
Is anything pondered in our hearts?
Is anything kept between us and God?
If some things are, should more be?
How much needs to be shared?
What are we looking for? From FB and blog posts that I see, often it seems people are looking for applause, sympathy, admiration, pity, respect… but sometimes we just want to be known, to connect, to share life with each other. Some want to encourage, some need to be encouraged. There is a good and appropriate time for and use of social media, but with all things there needs to be moderation, not only with time, but with the amount and quality of sharing, and I need to continually examine my motives for what and how and when I share.

I've also been thinking about the “noise” online…

I imagine a single person alone, thinking. Then I see two people in quiet, meaningful conversation, then it grows to a small group with a little more distraction, then a larger group with more noise, and on and on until three is such a loud, chaotic mass of people that no one can hear anyone, but everyone is shouting, trying to be heard.
That’s how I tend to see the online world. Everyone is talking; there is so much to hear, so much noise, that nobody can really hear anybody.
In listening to everyone, we hear no one.

A.W. Tozer said, “The old question, ‘what is the chief end of man?’ is now answered, ‘to dash about the world and add to the din thereof’.” -and that was 56 years ago! I read that a few years ago and I keep hearing it in my mind. I do not want to be a part of the noisy, self-seeking, chaotic, frantic whirlwind of this world! I want peace, rest, stillness, purposefulness, I want contentedness! And the old answer to the "old question" is "to glorify God and enjoy Him forever". Yeah, I want that.

In 2008 there were 184 millions blogs – seriously?! Who am I to be squeaking out little sounds over here in my corner of the blog world?! I realize I have a quiet corner, but you are here reading my thoughts, and I appreciate your interest in it! If what I have to say only reaches a few people, but they are the few people that the Lord had planned and directed to hear what I have to say, then that is what it should be. I don’t desire to seek more “followers”, but when I make a post, I ask the Lord to bring whoever He wants to read it to see it. I am often amazed to read a comment from someone who came across my blog and needed to hear that particular thing that day. The Lord directs our paths.

“In quietness and trust is your strength.” Isaiah 30:15

Our strength is not in our number of Facebook friends, or blog followers, or the number of comments on our posts, or how many comments we leave for others, or how many comments we get on our comments... or if others think we are wise, funny, smart, kind…

As I'm processing all of these issues and questions, I think that here is what I need to be focusing on asking myself:

1. What does God want me to say?
2. Who does He want me to say it to?
3. What does God not want me to say?
4. What does God want me to listen to?
5. What does God not want me to listen to?

I can’t end this post without sharing this music video. Lecrae’s words sing the desire of my heart for my blog, my friendships, my life.

“Take lead of me and I’ll play the background.”

The question I need to keep asking myself in all honesty is, am I ok with that?

It’s not about me, if I’m heard, if I’m admired. It’s about me pointing to the Lord.

That’s really all that matters, I have nothing to say that hasn’t been said before, but I can share about the ways that God has gripped my heart and my life, to share how He is moving and teaching me…. If what I say gives honor and glory and joy to Him, then I think I’m on track. I don’t just want to add to the din.

"You be the Girl"

2011-11-20T22:46:00.000-06:00

Justin and I have a little role-playing "game" we play. He has always initiated it since before he could talk. He curls up in my arms like a little baby -and often fake whines- while I cuddle and rock him.  When he started to talk, he would say, "I baby". Later on, though, as he became more verbal and self-revealing, he began saying more- "I'll be the baby and you be the girl."

"You be the girl."

Not "momma", but "the girl".
He does this at least daily.  He added more requirements to the scenario in the past few months when he began to add, "Pretend you have on a dress." Interestingly, all the nannies in his orphanage wore dresses. I have asked him a couple of times, "What does the girl do?"
"Put me to bed." he answers.

I believe he has a memory, a sense, of being rocked and comforted as a baby and he escapes to this memory, this feeling, by using me as a fill-in. For a long while I've indulged. I love having him snuggle with me and I realize he probably feels comfort by reliving those memories -those moments as a baby when he was learning where he could find comfort, where his "safe place" was in a time when all babies are in the trust building phase of development.

But then I started to object internally. I realized he almost never cuddled with me without saying, "I'll be the baby and you be the girl." Me being his momma wasn't enough. I began to feel like I didn't have his authentic affection. I began to feel the "other woman" type feeling. Like how it would feel if Travis and I were to snuggle and he would say, "let's pretend you are my ex-girlfriend."

Ouch. That would hurt.

And it does with Justin. My heart began to wince when he would say it. So I finally decided I needed to redirect these moments. Just a few weeks ago, when he would snuggle with me and say, "you be the girl", I replied, "I'll be your momma and you be my baby." I added, "I'm your momma and I love to hold you because I love you and want to take care of you."
I kept reinforcing this every time, everyday.

And then it happened.

A few days ago, he crawled into my lap and I was just waiting for his inevitable "you be the girl", then he said it:

"You be the momma and I'll be the baby."

My heart leapt.

I squeezed him tight and whispered in his ear, "I love being your momma!"

Led to Action

2011-11-12T23:54:00.003-06:00

November is adoption awareness month. So I thought I'd use that reason to pour out a long, heartfelt entry about the path I've been on post-adoption.

Two years ago, after we brought Justin home, I heard about the Christian Alliance for Orphans Summit being held in the Twin Cities. I eagerly signed up to go and was giddy with the number of amazing sounding speakers, topics, and breakout sessions. As I signed up for a bunch of sessions on adoption and biracial families, I noticed that there were a number of sessions on how to start orphan or adoption ministries in your church -and I immediately thought no, no, no, that's not what I'm about! I'm just going to learn more about adoption and just quietly follow in the path God has brought me on. -I'm not an activist or rally-the-troops type of person. I'm a quiet, stay-at-home, homeschooling mom. I just live my quiet life and mind my own business.

So with that, off I went to the conference. While there, one of the speakers mentioned Proverbs 31:8 "Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves" and applied it to the need to speak up for orphans who have no voice. I jotted the verse down and it continued to play in my mind that weekend. On the way home I stopped to visit my parents, and while there, I saw an old worn painting and thought with a gasp, That is Proverbs 31:8! My dad gave it to me and I continue to see it as a strong depiction of that verse's meaning -being a voice for the voiceless.

In the months to follow, I kept asking the Lord what it looks like to speak for those who cannot speak for themselves. What could I do? How do I be a voice for the voiceless? What made it harder was there didn't seem to be many people around me that wanted to hear about it. Months later, while I was still wrestling with what that looked like, my Bible study was going through the rather obscure book of Amos. As we were reading through a particular chapter, a passage jumped out and grabbed me. Here is my very loose and condensed paraphrase of the passage:
Amos is prophesying the message God had given him. Nobody liked what they heard, it was bothersome and uncomfortable. The priest went to Amos and told him to stop it, go home, nobody want to hear this. Amos replied that he is not a prophet, he was just a shepherd, but God gave him a message to tell and he continued to speak. He didn't back down, he pressed on with message God had laid on his heart.(from Amos 7:10-16)

These verses shook me with the similarities I was feeling. The Lord put a message on my heart, an ache and cry for the voiceless children without parents, advocates, protectors. Children are being trafficked in HUGE numbers across the globe (human trafficking is the number one business in the world). There is such poverty in the world, and not just financial, but relational, spiritual, emotional... I felt overwhelmed with the glimpses the Lord was giving me of His heart and the world, and I honestly couldn't find many people who wanted to talk about it. I felt like I should just "move on" and start living the comfortable American life like everyone around me. Additionally, I related to Amos as he said "I'm not a prophet...I'm a shepherd..." It sounded a lot like my thoughts earlier: I'm not an activist...I'm just a quiet stay-at-home mom. But God has put the message on my heart, a desire to be a voice for the voiceless.

And then this past year we had wanted to adopt again, but after seeking the Lord on it, it was clear to both of us that His answer was not now. We both were seeking the Lord individually and when we talked about it, we each felt like the Lord was telling us to stay here. I believed the Lord was leading me to turn to my kids and focus on how to know and love and bond with Justin at this time. And while in the throes of seeking God's direction, Travis heard a passage read from Mark from when Jesus healed the wild man in the cemetery. After his healing, and experiencing the work of the Lord, the man wanted to get into the boat with Jesus and go with Him. Jesus didn't let him, but rather told him, "Return home and tell how much God has done for you." It spoke to Travis' heart as how God was directing us. I couldn't understand it, we knew that the Lord was working with the orphans; I never felt so close to the heart of God as when we entered that world, we wanted to keep going, to get back into the boat and follow Him back, but He said, "return home."

That brings us to now. I am amazed with the number of families in our church that are in the process or thinking of adopting! We have family members in the process, and there are some wonderful families that are newer to our church that are in process or praying about adopting. This is nothing like just two years ago! When we started the process, there were few adoptive families in our church, and sadly most of them had felt like they were pretty much on their own. Honestly, other than a couple of exceptions, we felt that way as well. But it feels like a movement is growing in our church. I am blown away because one of the speakers I heard at the conference two years ago said that he travels around the country talking to churches about adoption and orphan care and he stressed that all around the country, people are saying that the Lord has been stirring their heart towards adoption. I had chills when I heard that because that is exactly how I describe how we came to adopt: "God stirred our hearts for it". This speaker revealed how this is a large stirring, a God-sized stirring, in the hearts of Christians around the country and globe! It is big, and I am blessed to be a part of it! To see that our little story is a part of a bigger, huge story of God stirring hearts is beyond exhilarating!

Recently some friends and I have started a group for adoptive moms at our church, and on an upcoming Sunday, I am even having a table in our church lobby to advocate and raise awareness for adoption and orphan care! ...ME! It makes me chuckle thinking about it because I so assuredly told myself that I'm not going down that road, I'm just quietly doing my thing! But this isn't about me, it's about them. It's about those who don't have a voice, who don't have anyone to speak for them. And for that reason, I shout "I will speak up!"

God told us to "return home and tell how much God has done for you." So we've been sharing our story, I will unabashedly tell the work the Lord is doing in and through adoption, how His heart so deeply beats for orphans, and how I feel His heartbeat the strongest when I enter the world of the weak, the voiceless, the poor, the nameless, the unloved. His plan is for the church to be the arms and feet of His love to reach them. And if quiet little me can make a difference and be a voice, I will do my part!

"Adults Always Have a Reason"

2011-11-02T23:24:00.002-05:00

Sometimes as parents we need to intentionally teach some life lessons, and sometimes they just happen. And inevitably, when the kids find a life lesson, I find one too.

Last night after dinner, we were all getting ready to head out to the grocery store. Caleb asked Travis if we could ride our bikes there, and Travis explained that we couldn't because it was dark out.  A little while later, Justin asked if we could ride our bikes, and Travis repeated that we couldn't, it was dark and we don't have lights for our bikes. As we were all heading out the door, Justin -ever persistent- asked again about riding bikes. So for a third time, Travis reinforced what he already said about the dangers of riding bikes in the dark without a light, and explained that it is against the law to do so.

As we headed to the grocery store, we approached a busy intersection and suddenly saw a van squarely hit a bike rider in the middle of the street.
Screeching tires.
Bike clattering to the street.
Rider sprawling to the ground.
The boys watched wide-eyes as Travis stopped and hurried out to help collect her bike and help the young woman to the side of the road. She was able to walk away from the accident, thankfully, and we soon continued on to the grocery store, but it shook us all up a bit to witness that. Travis was talking to me about how the driver was not at fault because she couldn't see the bike without a light crossing on the wrong side of the street.

As we pulled into the parking lot, Caleb thoughtfully stated, "So THAT'S why we can't ride our bikes in the dark!" It was a powerful lesson regarding what they had just been asking for. But then, as we climbed out of the van, Ethan reflected, "Grown ups always have a reason for what they say."

Then he repeated himself more firmly, "Grown ups always have a reason for what they say."

It caught my attention that he repeated himself, but what gripped my heart was the look on his face when he said it. He had a smile and look on his face that said he was resting in the confidence the he could trust what his adults -his parents- say.  He believed that there is an important reason behind what we say and he can trust us and the boundary lines that we draw for him.  (I didn't explain in that moment that adults don't always have a reason for what they say! -there was a bigger lesson being learned here.)

Later that night, I was thinking about the look on Ethan's face when he made his statement, and I kept thinking of David's words in Psalm 16.

"Your boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places...

I have set the Lord always before me.

Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken.

Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices;

my body also will rest secure."

Psalm 16:6a,8-9

Like Ethan, David was content and happy with the boundaries and the guidance given by his Guide. I continue to be struck with the similarities of the feeling of safe surrender between child to parent and of man to God. God has a reason for where and how He draws His lines, whatever and wherever they are.

Just as Ethan felt content and safe with what his "adults" tell him, and was willing to follow on faith that they know what they are talking about, I want to be like that with my Father. I want my heart to smile with the same contented look of pleasure that Ethan's face shone with when he realized that "adults always have a reason for what they say."

Surrender

2011-10-23T16:58:00.002-05:00

Surrender. It's a word I hear about and talk about a lot in the Christian life. We are called to surrender to Christ as Lord of our life. It's hard. Our will continues to rage against surrender. In our flesh, we are all driven to have our way in our time on our terms.
But for so many reasons, our way is not the best way.

One evening when Ethan was four, we were about to cross a street at night. There were cars lined up along the curb, and Ethan, standing in between the parked cars, couldn't see the moving traffic. He started to walk into the street as a car was fast approaching, and I quickly grabbed his arm and pulled him back to the curb. Guess what he did? He tried to pull out of my grasp! It was a significant moment for me because I saw profound symbolism in his behavior. Out of love and concern, I was trying to protect him from harm, and he resisted me, striving to cross the street his way, in his time. The car could have easily crushed his small body, and he didn't have a clue that it was even there. He wasn't willing to surrender to me, to trust my eyes and my leading of him. He didn't know that I saw things that he couldn't see. I wasn't trying to abuse power and authority, I was doing what was best for him. But his self will was alive and strong.

Aren't we all just like that with God?!
"I'll do what you ask, just don't ask this."
"I'll go where you send me, just don't send me there."
"I'll give what you ask, but not more than this amount."
"I trust you with my children, just make sure they don't get hurt."
"I trust you with my life, just keep me healthy and comfortable."
That doesn't really sound like surrender, does it?

My sister recently introduced me to a song about surrender by Beckah Shae. She sings a new version and spin on the well-known hymn "I Surrender All". What struck me when I listened to it for the first time was her repetitively singing "I surrender, I surrender..." This does not make sense to the world! When is surrendering EVER a successful, strived for, sought after, longed for, and loudly proclaimed position?! Surrender is failure! In war it means you were weak and defeated. In many cultures, including the ancient Greeks, young warriors were told to succeed in conquering, or don't bother coming home again! Surrender equals failure, doesn't it?

No, surrender doesn't make sense. Outside of Christianity and an understanding of God's sovereignty, it seems foolish. But God told us that He "chose the foolish things of this world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong." (I Cor. 1:27) And Paul says, "When I am weak, then I am strong." (2 Cor. 12:10) It seems like a mysterious paradox.

So what is surrender and why do we want to do it? In wars, the surrendering army relinquishes its will, its plans, its power to their opponent. But in our case with the Lord, we aren't surrendering to a malicious enemy, but to our Heavenly Father, our Creator, our Advocate. He sees the oncoming traffic, the whole picture. When He grabs our arm and pulls us back, He is doing it for a good, and right, and just purpose. He can be trusted, and it would be foolishness to pull against His grasp. It is total victory and freedom, in this case, to cry and scream and proclaim, "I surrender!"

Taken for Granted

2011-10-12T22:03:00.001-05:00

Sometimes I hear a little statement that continues to ring in my ears. -Something that makes a good point, but also says something deeper, stronger, more insightful than the surface meaning. This was one of those comments…

Last winter, when the kids and I were studying about the moon, I borrowed a movie from the library called In the Shadow of the Moon; it was a fascinating documentary on the Apollo program and lunar landings. Towards the end of the film, one of the astronauts (I wish I remembered who it was!) made a statement that I don’t recall word for word, but he said something like, “After being on the moon, I never complained about the weather again.”

That struck me deeply; I felt like there was a profound lesson to learn from that comment. We humans all complain about the weather! It’s too hot, too cold, too windy, too wet, too dry… there is always something to complain about it seems! So how could he dare claim that he never complained about the weather again after being in space and walking on the moon? -Because he was one of the few humans who have lived outside of our weather, our atmosphere. Despite the temperature changes and the storms, the atmosphere keeps us alive! He experienced the fragility and isolation of being outside our atmosphere. I can’t imagine the significance of that experience, but I believe that it gave him a unique, invaluable appreciation for our weather. A world without weather -good or bad- would mean death. Sometimes it takes the absence of something to know how to appreciate it.

That’s gotten me thinking about how I take the weather for granted and it’s been reminding me of other things I have taken for granted...

When I was on the cross country team in high school, there was another girl who helped as the team manager. I don’t know what her history was, but her neck was permanently twisted to the side, with her right ear bent close to –almost touching- her right shoulder. She obviously couldn’t turn her head well to see and had to twist her torso to look around. One night, as we all were entering the locker room after a meet, she said to me, “I like your neck, Heidi.” What? My neck? I never gave a thought to my neck! Who cares about their neck?!
She did.
Hers didn’t work. She knows what it is like to not have one. She could appreciate a working neck. I just take mine for granted. I humbly and simply said, “thank you”. Lord, help me to be thankful for my neck!

Last year I realized how I had taken Travis’ job for granted. He had been on reduced hours (24 hours/week) for a year and a half. During that time, he frequently would come home and over dinner he would sadly tell me how another co-worker was let go. It got to where he would come home and I would just ask, “Do you still have a job?” It had been steady and reliable for ten years, but now it was shaky. Now I would daily thank the Lord for his job. In years past I would rarely think to give thanks for it, it slipped my mind because it seemed like a given. It’s easy to take for granted what you think belongs to you.

After going to Ethiopia, the list of things I had taken for granted became more glaring and obvious…
Clean water...
Access to a health care system...
Infrastructure...
Roads that aren’t wrought with potholes, strewn with rocks, and obstructed with animals!

These are all things that here in America we either don’t give a thought to, or more often complain about! People complain about our roads all the time, particularly road construction –we need to give praise and thanks for road construction! Do you know what our roads would be like without it?!

One of the most significant things I took for granted while growing up and for most of my life -a precious gift that over 143,000,000 children in the world don’t have- is a family.
Families can be tiring, frustrating, painful… most of us love our families in spite of that. But I don’t think we are fully able to appreciate the priceless blessing that family is unless we were to live without it. Quoting a former orphan, “every day in a family is a good day.” Can I -do I- say that everyday about my family?

And this is what makes me tremble:

“For although they knew God, they neither glorified Him as God,

nor gave thanks to Him,

but their thinking became futile and their foolish hearts were darkened.

Although they claimed to be wise, they became fools.”

Romans 1:21-22

Why did God give them over to their sins as Romans 1 goes on to talk about? Because they didn’t glorify God or give thanks to Him! They didn't appreciate the gifts given to them, or thank the Giver that gave them.

I don’t want to do that!! I want to be thankful –thankful for our weather, for my neck, for an endless supply of clean drinking water, for drivable roads, for access to doctors, for a family… The list should be endless. I want eyes to see the blessings in the ordinary, in the everyday things I use and see that typically would go unappreciated. I hope it doesn't have to be taken from me to know how valuable it is.

Does Our Culture Destroy Imagination?

2011-10-04T18:55:00.001-05:00

Ten Ways to Destroy the Imagination of Your Child, by Anthony Esolen

This book had such a provocative title, that I was eager to read it. I requested it from the library, and as soon as I began reading, I became more intrigued. Esolen writes with a tongue-in-cheek style on the premise that since "children are our greatest resource", and since resources are valuable because they are "good, solid, dependable, and inert," he proceeds to reason why and how we need to kill the imagination in our children (obviously arguing for the opposite point all along). We want, he argues, children -a society- that is predictable, maintainable, and manageable. "A vast enterprise like McDonald's can only function by ensuring...the solid, dependable, inert routine. ...We must then, kill the imagination... subject them all to the most efficient and humane techniques to fit them for the world in which they will live, a world of shopping malls, all the same everywhere, packaged food, all the same everywhere, paper-pushing all the same, mass entertainment all the same, politics all the same." (Intro. p. xiii)

He writes with such wit, wisdom, insight, and profound allegations against our current culture. "Our pop culture isn't really culture at all, only mass entertainment." p.157

I am not going to share the ten things, the beliefs, attitudes, behaviors, that he claims destroy a child's imagination. One of the complaints I read on Amazon about the book was that he could have listed out the ten ways in a much shorter way than saying so much about each point. But I think that is exactly the point. In his writing, he shares so many examples of writers, explorers, heroes from across the ages and across the globe that spur the reader to desire more, to kindle the imagination. All that he wrote needed to be partnered with his list in order to see and feel and desire the cultivation and expansion of imagination -not only in kids, but in ourselves as well! There is a world of wonder to learn and explore and he expertly ignites that desire in the reader -to expect more, reach higher, think harder, feel deeper...

In a biting indictment against most television shows watched today, he says, "After years of watching the comic face of nihilism, your children will come to respect nothing, love nothing, believe in nothing, and long for nothing." (p.157)

Regarding our culture's negative attitude towards both books and children: "Books are bulky and inconvenient, like rocks, and trees, and rivers, and life. It occurs to me that everything that can be said about the inconvenience of books can be said about the inconvenience of children. They too take up space, are of no immediate practical use, and are of interest to only a few people, and present all kinds of problems." (intro. p. x)

I love what he says about motherhood: "...but she is always the mother, and her love for her child, even when it is shot through all the flaws of her character, will be a human love. It will be far from perfect. But it will be something real." (p. 210)

Another issue he raises is how our culture makes everyone a hero, flattening the significance of an authentic hero. "Democratize heroism. Everyone is a hero, and simply for doing...the ordinary tasks of living as a half-decent person. Does your mother fix you breakfast? She is a hero. ...If everyone is a hero, then no one is a hero; and genuine heroes will go unnoticed in all the mindless self-congratulation." (p.148)

The final accusation against current culture that destroys a child's imagination is to deny the existence of the Transcendent, namely the Creator God. "We can suppose, then, that to remove from the child the possibility of praise - to rob him of any intimation of the Being that lends existence itself to all things that exist- would be like confining his mind to a room with a low ceiling. 'This is all there is' we say, 'and don't ask us where it is going, or what it means, because it is going to destruction only, and it means nothing. Now build a cathedral in honor of that.. compose a love song for what cannot love. Just try. When your head gets too sore from all the bumping against the ceiling, you'll learn better, and be a good useful citizen.'" (p. 231)

And that, my friend, is a book well worth the read!

This 'n' That

2011-09-21T21:18:00.004-05:00

Just some random things from the past few months...

All summer I've been enjoying the sounds of crickets outside of my bedroom window at night- although I was curious how there were so many crickets in the city. Recently I was sitting out in the backyard one evening when I realized that there were no crickets, it was our neighbor's window air conditioner squealing away! ...I appreciated the sound more when I thought it was crickets!

Up at my in-laws' cabin, I was lying on the dock one night, looking up at the beautiful night sky filled with stars. Suddenly I saw the biggest, brightest shooting star I had ever seen in my life. I stared at it with amazement until I realized that it was actually a firefly just a few feet above my head.

We have new next door neighbors this year, a wonderful family with girls the same age as our boys -and our boys have become quite enamored with them. After they first met, Caleb asked me if he could marry his new friend. I told him that he could if he asked her and she said yes, but he can't ask her until he is older. He thought about that for a brief moment and then asked with bright eyes, "Can I ask her when I am seven?!"

When Ethan was talking about his new friend, he said, "When I think about her, I feel like I have hearts coming out of my eyes!"

Another time, we had this dialogue:
Caleb: "Will I be a good dad?"
Me: "Yes! You will be fun."
Caleb: "I'm not going to work, my wife is going to. -oh, yeah! I'm gonna marry my neighbor! ...hmmm, I forgot her name..." (such a typical Caleb response!)

At the grocery store, Justin introduced me to a random passerby by shouting, "This is my mom! I want to keep her safe!" (I smiled -partly out of embarrassment, and partly out of pride)

My hardworking Ethan told me as we were cleaning, "I love vacuuming! It's one of the best things, don't you think?!" (I hope that perspective hangs around for a while!)

Travis took Ethan and Caleb on a walk along a nearby river and the boys were joking about piranhas in the river. Caleb asked what piranhas eat and when Travis told him "meat", Caleb cried out, "Oh, no! We're made out of food!!"

A couple of weeks ago my parents were visiting and we were all going out for lunch. As we crossed the street to the restaurant, I reached back with both hands and grabbed the kids' hands to cross. It wasn't until I was half way across the street that I realized that I had grabbed and was holding my mom's hand! -she just smiled and let me do it without saying anything.

Today Justin said to me, out of the blue, "When I was a baby, I was a Moses baby." "What do you mean?" I asked. He replied, "When I was a baby, I was a Moses baby. Then I got on a helicopter, and came and found my momma!" (he calls airplanes helicopters) I'm not sure if he actually realized the connection between Moses' story and his story, but I thought it was a pretty profound comment nonetheless!!

Oh, and in case you are wondering, you CAN get chicken pox even if you've had the vaccine... just ask Caleb!

Happy Gotcha Day...

2011-09-01T20:58:00.001-05:00

Today is “Gotcha Day” -a term used in the adoption world for the day we “got” Justin. Two years ago we took him on a big bus with us and drove away from the orphanage and towards a new adventure. As I’ve said so many times, it’s been awesome. But it’s also been hard. There are some things with his behavior that cause me to continue to wonder, is this an adoption issue, or is it just his personality? I don’t know how many adoptive moms wonder that, but I can’t believe I’m the only one. Biological parents might wonder what the difference is, who cares why they are behaving a certain way, just address the behavior. But for me, it really helps to try to know the causes, the hidden messages, the possible fears, the brokenness that lie behind a behavioral issue. The basic truth is that all adoptions come out of brokenness. That's the essence of what it is. Parenting and discipline can be carried out from so many different angles; I just want to know what I’m dealing with.

For example, Justin is so very social, he talks to anyone, anytime, anyplace. That’s just him. He started talking early and hardly ever stops! He loves entertaining and performing… everyone finds him charming and adorable… but here is where I start to feel uncomfortable: I can be somewhere talking to another woman that he doesn’t even know, and he will walk up and ask HER for a drink of water! You have to admit that doesn’t seem normal! I keep reminding him to ask mom and dad for help, that we are here to help him. He continues to ask friends, relatives, strangers for help without discretion, with me standing right there. So as a mom, wouldn’t you wonder why he does that? Does he not see me as his primary care provider? Does he not feel more comfortable and trusting of me over strangers? Although he continues to scream when we drop him off at his church class, at this point that is purely a control issue. –Which leads to another issue…

Today is his “gotcha day”, a day to celebrate him joining our family … but it’s hard to feel celebratory when I’ve dealt with two major, prolonged, oppositional screaming fits today. Every day usually isn’t that bad, but he does have a lot of oppositional behavior. I say black, he says white. I say yes, he says no. I say left, he says right. Daily. Often and repeatedly. He wants to be in charge, period. Examples: He woke up after a nap and I said, “Hi! Did you have a good nap?” He frowns and says, “No! It was naughty!” Another time he was having a blast swimming in a lake and I said, “Justin, don’t you just love swimming?!” He again said, “No! The water is naughty!” -Just to disagree with me! He is a charming child, but he can be difficult to parent. I know that control and oppositional behavior are common adoption issues, but are not exclusive to adoption. Which again causes me to wonder, are these an adoption issues, or just his personality?! Either way, maybe it really doesn’t matter. It may not, but it could. But it seems like with adoption (at least for me) there is always a nagging spot in the back of my mind, a question mark, an unknown, something that continues to ask what’s behind this? A mysterious lurking type feeling.

I love this child, my son. I am not sharing this to complain about him or to publicize his behavior. But I want to be honest and open about the world of adoption, and it’s kind of complicated. Right now I am watching Justin sing while he is using screwdrivers as drumsticks on the floor (he’s “helping” Travis with a project). He is a joy and a blessing… just a complicated one.

Happy Gotcha Day, Sweetheart!

“Put It on a Ball”

2011-08-12T15:37:00.001-05:00

In our dining room sits a decorative basket that, until recently, held big chunky pine cones. They looked great during Christmas and through the winter, but displaying pine cones over summer seemed a bit out of place and a little silly. So, I had been on the look out for something else to fill the basket with, and came across some simple decorative balls at Ikea.

Meanwhile….

Recently at church, we have heard a few different teachers all emphasize the importance of recognizing the faithfulness of God in our lives, and the need to be diligent in remembering and passing on the stories to our children so that they also will grow with a rich understanding of God’s care and faithfulness. Just as God often told the Israelites to build memorials as reminders of His faithfulness, we need to have memorials in our lives as well. I think sometimes defining God's faithfulness can be tricky, what exactly are we talking about when we speak of His faithfulness? I read a good explanation of God's faithfulness as "God is a being upon whom we can absolutely rely or stay ourselves". Strong, trustworthy, good, merciful.

One memorial that we have is from our wedding. Our friend and mentor who spoke at our wedding service handed out small tiger eye stones to twelve people before the ceremony, and the message he gave during the service was about remembering the Lord’s work in uniting us and the significance of marriage and the work He did, and is doing, in it. In the receiving line after the ceremony, those twelve people each handed us a stone and said, “Remember what God has done today!” Those stones are on display in our bedroom and serve as a constant reminder of the Lord’s work in uniting us in marriage.

In desire to create more of these reminders in our home and family, I decided that these new decorative balls in the dining room would be another memorial. A couple of times so far, at a mealtime, I have taken a ball out, held it in my hands, and said to the boys, “Let me tell you a story of God’s faithfulness in my life…” They have caught on and eagerly ask for more stories. Those balls will grow to each having a story attached to it, a visual reminder of God’s work.

Switching gears again…

Yesterday, when Travis was driving to work, the tie rod on his truck suddenly broke, causing his front tires to both turn inward and brought his truck to an abrupt and screeching halt on the road. Later in the day, we were talking about examples of the Lord’s mercy in when and where it happened:

1. It happened before (and not during) the vacation we are planning to take the truck on next week.

2. Travis was only one block from home.

3. He was driving at a low speed. (What would have happened if it broke when he was on a faster road?!)

The boys were listening to us and Ethan suddenly shouted, “Dad! You have to put that story on a ball!”

Yes!!
They are listening! They get it! God is good, He is faithful. His mercies are new every day. We need to remember that and tell each other these stories. Big stories, and little stories. We need to look for them, recognize them, give Him thanks, and pass them on.

“Let this be written for a future generation, that a people not yet created may praise the LORD” Psalm 102:18

A Picture Paints a Thousand Words

2011-08-01T11:35:00.002-05:00

Books are one of my favorite things. (Hence all the posts about the books I've recently read.) I love to hear about good books, so I also want to share about ones that I have appreciated finding. Maybe they will pique your interest, too!

Here are a couple of books that I found over the summer that are intriguing and unique. The first is called Material World by photojournalist Peter Menzel . It is packed full of beautiful photos of families from around the world, with each family standing out in front of their home, with all of their possessions laid out around them. The families chosen are of statistically average income from their country to ensure an accurate representation of each country.

In addition to the fascinating, detailed photos, it contains a plethora of information of the income, lifestyle, and values of families around the world. I was taken aback when looking at the vast amount of "stuff" many of the more affluent countries had, compared to the minimal, meager amount of belongings from poorer countries. I know about the difference of income and living conditions around the world, but to see it all side by side in pictures like this... it is worth a thousand words.

The image that sticks in my mind is the Ethiopian family picture. They owned next to nothing. Nothing colorful, nothing extra, nothing non-utilitarian, yet the father stood with arms spread out, proudly showing his belongings, with a smile spread wide across his face. He looked so content, so proud, so eager to show us all that he has... I and thought, but you have nothing! Nothing? I looked at his family, looked at his smile, looked at his self-sufficiency (goat, chickens, field). They seem to be doing rather well. As for me thinking that they have nothing? I think if I were to tell them that, they would prove me very wrong. This book reinforced my penetrating question-statement how could I ask for more?

Similarly, Hungry Planet, again by Peter Menzel with his wife Faith D'Aluisio, follows the same premise as Material World, only this time, the focus is on the amount of food each family eats in a week! What a fascinating concept! The families have their photo taken in their kitchens (some outdoors), with a week's worth of food displayed around them. One family's food budget for the week was less than two dollars, while another was almost 500 dollars (no, it wasn't the US). Such a huge disparity! Once again, the families are statistically average for their country, no extreme or exaggerated representation. The book also brings up more complex issues such as globalized food production, access to food, food quality, political conflict and the effect on food availability... there is much to chew on. (no pun intended!)
The power of pictures in these books is extraordinary.

Intriguing, fascinating, absorbing, thought provoking, convicting... are you interested?

I bet your library has them!

A New Somewhere

2011-07-18T13:34:00.003-05:00

For many months Travis and I have been talking about adopting again. We have felt eager and ready to, and we have been seeking the Lord’s direction on it. In the last couple of months, we believe that the Lord has made it clear to us that His response to us is not now.
Not now?!
Why not? Adoption is a good thing, if we are willing and able, why wouldn’t He want us to? I’ve seen and heard the stories of crazy adoptions, radical steps, God leading in staggering ways to build families, care for orphans, and making statements about the value of life, the heart of God… But He’s telling us not now? His response caught me off guard; I thought He would grab our hands and pull us back down this road as soon as we were willing and ready. But no, not now, not us.

I guess a good thing is not always our thing.

Meanwhile, The Lord has stirred the hearts of some very close, dear friends of ours to adopt and they have begun the process at the same time that the Lord is telling us not to. While this is an answer to our prayers for the spirit of adoption to spread, it has stirred up a surprising and unwelcome quagmire within me.

As she and I talk with other friends, she shares her experiences with beginning the adoption process –the questions, the emotions, the beginning of the tearing open of the soul. Others look at her and listen and take it in.
I hear my story. That’s my story.
Those are my feelings, emotions, experiences.
I feel them slipping away –out of my voice, my hand, my heart, and into hers.
I want to pull them back to myself, claim them as my own.
I feel fearful that my story will disappear, that by sharing it with others that it will get diluted, become an echo -a distant echo, a faded memory.

I fear that the work God has been doing in me through all of that will be paused, put on the shelf, while He moves His favor and attention to her -like a lone train car, left alone in the train yard, while the engine pulls a long line of attached cars out into the great beyond.

I realize that I long again for the way God worked in my life throughout our adoption process –He was so real, so close, so vivid. Life became very clear, the truly important things were in macro focus and all else became a background blur. I had never before been worked on –down into my deepest inner core- as I had been during our adoption experience.

Over the last three years, adoption and caring for orphans has become our passion. We believe the Lord has drawn us into this world and sliced our hearts open for His purposes in it. We have seen His heart for the orphan, a world so real but so unseen by many.

Now. And now, when I am honest with myself, I feel like this treasure, this precious jewel, the life changing blessing, this heart-ripping gift, is being pulled out of my hand to be placed into hers. I know with my mind where the reality and theology of these feelings breakdown, but feelings rarely care about facts.

For these past couple of weeks, I have wrestled with God, I’ve asked Him to show me, to show me that He isn’t abandoning me, setting me aside. To show me that this passion that He has given me still has a purpose, that He will continue to use me and work through me. I keep hearing in my mind, “I will be with you, I will never leave you or forsake you.” (Joshua 1:5b)

In church this morning, our pastor was talking about King David and his plans to build a temple for the Lord- but the Lord had other plans for him. In drawing out the lessons, he asked us, “Do you feel like God has left you behind?”
Do I?!
Did he get a memo from God to ask that question this particular Sunday morning?
Then he continued, “When God says ‘no’, it’s not rejection, it’s redirection.”

I looked around the sea of faces… was he speaking just to me? It felt like a specific message to my heart, a word that I hungrily needed to hear.

He continued, “If you feel abandoned by God, remember He is taking you to somewhere, not just from somewhere.”

As I write this, I hear thunder rolling deeply, loudly overhead in the dark night sky.
It sounds like, it feels like, it reminds me,
That God is overhead, He is moving, and He is working.

“Faith is telling your emotions where to get off” ~C. S. Lewis.

"Stories of Loss and Love"

2011-07-10T22:35:00.001-05:00

One of the many things that I love about my mom is that we are book buddies. We both have a love for reading, and when one of us reads a really good book, we tell one another about it. We have shared many wonderful books together and this one is no exception. In a phone conversation recently, my mom told me about Message from an Unknown Chinese Mother: Stories of Loss and Love, and before she even finished telling me about it, I was online requesting it from my library.

This is one of those books that grips my heart, furrows my brow, and causes me to –once again– realize how little I understand about the world we live in. The author, Xinran, is a Chinese woman writing to Chinese girls who have been adopted into Western families. From her work in the West, she has heard many adopted children asking “why did my birth mother abandon me?” She writes to explain the reasons their birth mothers made the choices they did. Making no excuses, she does an exquisite job of plainly explaining the complicated 2,000 year traditions involving family, land acquisition, political rules, and needing to give birth to a son to acquire and pass on land within their family. Complicated with the one child only policy, all these issues combine to make giving birth to a daughter in China a very heart breaking experience, in so many ways.

Many of these mothers see their choices as the ultimate act of sacrificial love. They see their own situation in life as so desperate and hopeless, that, in their eyes, death would be better for their daughters:

“Many women, especially in poor country areas, suffered so much it made them indifferent or even cruel to other women. They did not believe that their own daughters could escape this vicious circle either, yet they did not want to see them “bring disgrace” on the family, or suffer the same sad fate as had been inflicted on themselves. So sometimes, in an act of love, they “put them out of their misery” by smothering them at birth. Times may have changed in China but many mothers, especially those in poor urban and country areas, have continued to face the same choices; this, is seemed, was part of being a woman and a mother.” p35

Xinran shares her own struggles in understanding how a woman could abandon her child. While
watching birds tend and feed their young, she writes:

“If birds can feel like this and never abandon their babies, then how is it possible for human parents to give up their own children? Again and again. I cannot and will not believe that outdated customs combined with government policy can really force human beings to renounce that most beautiful and basic of human feelings, the parental instinct.
It should not be possible, but it is.” p96

While interviewing many Chinese women, she hears the untold stories of the anguish these mothers carry quietly within their hearts. An orphanage worker shared this about the care and longing of the birth mothers:

“They’ve had such hard lives themselves, and then on top of the pain of giving birth to a daughter, they spend their time imagining all the awful things that the foreign families are doing to their little daughters. Do you know, they sometimes beg me to pass messages to the foreigners: don’t add too much water to the milk or rice porridge, or she might get hungry. Some say: she’s got such a lot of black hair and if she likes it, plait it up for a few days. Don’t cut her plaits off to save on hair-washing. Some of them want the new parents to ‘cradle her in your left arm, so the sound of your heartbeat will make her sleep better’!” p119

Xinran ends the book specifically with a message to these adopted children, passing on the message of what an irreplaceable, precious place they have in their birthmother’s heart. A message I am sure that many of these daughters long to know and hear:

“...These magical moments or wonderful things leave you with intense memories that will stay with you forever, long after the reality has faded or you are grown up. If such singular moments of pleasure can stay with us forever, imagine how much more you meant to the mother who carried you for more than nine months of pregnancy. She will never ever forget you no matter why or how you were parted from her. You, her daughter, were part of her, bonded with her, dependent on her… the miracle she gave birth to.” p190

A well written treasure to the reader who longs to learn and understand about other cultures, the other side of adoption, and to hear how all tears taste salty.

The Mark of Art

2011-06-23T11:47:00.000-05:00

Do you like art? Do you understand art? I have never had an art class of any kind, no art history, no art appreciation, nothing. Years ago when Travis and I were exploring the Louvre in Paris, I knew that I was in a fabulous museum, which was filled with priceless works of art, many admirers were sitting and staring at various paintings, soaking in something unseen to me. I, on the other hand, was walking along thinking I know I am in an amazing place full of treasures, but I don't know how to appreciate it, I don't even understand most of it! -it doesn't even look like anything! I knew I was missing something, so when I heard about this book, I was eager to read it with hope that it would help me to understand art and the symbolism and meaning behind the artwork.

I recently finished reading Saving Leonardo by Nancy Pearcey, and I was not disappointed! The author is one smart woman! She discusses art from a Christian perspective and how it reflects the worldviews of various cultures. She explains how and why art has changed over the years. The book is full of pictures of artwork from over the ages from classical Greek to modern pop art and explains their significance in terms of idealism, marxism, existentialism, postmodernism, deconstructionism, empiricism, materialism, naturalism, nihilism, and more. I feel like I would need to re-read it a few times to fully grasp all that she explains and defines! I was so intrigued by the windows she opened for me to see art through, to help me begin to understand the messages behind the paintings, the story that is being told, and the mark it makes on society.

I would especially say that any homeschool parent who is or will be teaching art to their children would be highly benefited by reading this book. I still have a long way to go in understanding art; I have only begun to scratch the surface, but I have a much better understanding after digging through this book!

Her message is summed up well toward the end of the book:
"[S]erious art must be taken seriously. We may not personally like certain art forms or find them beautiful. Nevertheless we have an obligation to pay attention to what they tell us. We should give artists the respect of asking what they intended in their works, not only how we react to them. As Rookmaaker once said, 'Many works may be senseless, real junk, but for the fact that, being art, they are exhibited because they have a message of almost religious importance, interpreting man and his world'.
"Christians are responsible for learning how to read that message - just as missionaries are responsible for learning the language of the culture where they live. They must also show empathy and understanding to those who are captured by destructive and nihilistic worldviews." (Saving Leonardo, p. 247)

Color Blind

2011-06-06T14:55:00.005-05:00

We recently found out that one of our sons is color blind. I was surprised at the diagnosis because I never had any suspicion of it. But there we were, sitting in the optometrist's office, staring at that little book of colored dots, a trail of different colored dots forming numbers staring back at me. But he couldn't see them, any of them. That which was so obvious to me was completely hidden to him. Color Blind. It's really not a big deal, we don't need to compensate for him in anyway; he just sees the world differently than we do. To him everything looks perfectly normal. But when I went home and googled more about it, I began to grieve a bit for him. Not that life is going to be significantly more difficult for him, or that he will be limited in any ways (although it looks like being a pilot is now off his plate of options), but I felt like I was grieving for him because I saw some pictures of what the world looks like to someone who is color blind, and to be frank, I didn't like it. It just wasn't as beautiful, rich, colorful. It looks more bland, muddled, confusing, and boring.

Oh, I wish that he could see the world the way that I see it! It is so much more beautiful, vibrant, distinct.

Over the last few days I've been thinking about the way he sees the world and about how much more vibrant it looks to me... And how I couldn't explain the missing colors to him if I tried.

And I began to see that link everywhere.

How God sees the world is different from how I see the world.

Lately I'm seeing:

Hurting friends

Redirected plans

Lost jobs

Unmet longings

Unwanted diagnoses

The sudden death of one of our beloved pastors

This looks dull and grey, I don't see the beauty in it. I can't distinguish the pain and the hurt from the growth and God's glory. It looks muddled. It honestly doesn't look pretty at all.

I don't see the beautiful color that God sees. And we quite possibly might never see it this side of heaven. I feel like the Lord might be looking at what we see and comparing it to what He sees, and thinking "I see something much more beautiful here, they just can't see it... yet." Lord, we want to see it, to see the beauty from ashes, but if our eyes are not made with the ability to see the same color that you see here, we will continue to trust you and to know that it exists, even if it looks very grey and dull to us. Even if I remain color bind.

So as I hear myself saying about my son, "His reds are not my reds, neither are his greens my greens", I hear the Lord saying to me, "My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither and your ways my ways." Is. 55:8

Americans, Global Poverty, and Inadvertent Harm

2011-05-25T14:17:00.002-05:00

While at the orphan summit, I attended some break-out sessions focusing on global issues related to orphans and the root issues that are propagating the systemic problems. As we know, adoption is not the answer to the global orphan crisis. Florence Muindi said, “The system that is producing orphans needs to stop, and the local church is the God-established solution.” Another speaker said, “God does not intend for the UN to solve the world’s problem of orphan care, He intends for His body of Christ, the church, to deal with the problem.”

So in the context of learning about partnering with indigenous churches, I attended a session with a panel of four indigenous church and ministry leaders from Africa and Eastern Europe who were sharing quite honestly about what it is like to partner with Americans in ministry. They discussed how Americans tend to want to “do, do, do,” to fix problems, to come in with their self-valued knowledge and experience and start telling locals how to do things, without looking at what the local church is already doing, and without looking at the situation holistically. They want to fix things quickly with tunnel vision. One said, “Short-termers cannot see the root problem, they only see the surface. To be a part of the solution, it must be long term, or else it’s just putting a band aid on gangrene.”

In a booklet that was handed out, I read a story about Elephant and Mouse, who were best of friends. One day they gathered all their animal friends for a party. They danced, sang, and had a wonderful time, none more than Elephant. But when the party was over, Elephant was looking for Mouse, and tragically found him underfoot, trampled to death by Elephant's large feet. The message was that is how many indigenous churches feel when working with Americans, "It's like dancing with an elephant". Gulp.

When the panel was asked the question, “How does it feel when Americans come in to ‘take care’ of a problem?” Their responses were, “demeaning, insulting, arrogant, unbiblical, you cut their arms and their feet, you discourage them.” These words fell like a lump in my gut. As an American, it hurt to hear such descriptions, yet I believe every word they said. I know what Americans are like; sadly, so does the rest of the world. It wasn’t a dump-on-Americans time, but the message was to please open your eyes and see how your actions and assumptions can hurt the very people you are trying to help.

Similarly, in our general session, Dr. Fikkert, co-author of When Helping Hurts, talked about poverty and how poverty needs to be defined correctly if it is to be treated properly. If you ask the majority of Americans to define poverty, he said, it will predominately be defined by a lack of material possessions. In contrast, if you ask truly poor people to define poverty, they use these terms: “illness, humiliation, shame, no one needs us, feeling like garbage, depending on everyone else…” Poverty is defined by the poor in psychological terms. Keeping that in mind, think of the short-term American mission team that shows up to the slums, wearing t-shirts proclaiming, “I have been sent to serve the least of these”! They have good (albeit misguided and clueless) intentions, but it reinforces the shame! Dr. Fikkert stated that “Caucasian Evangelical Americans tend to exacerbate brokenness in poor areas around the world… They are blind to systemic issues, and they place emphasis on the personal, individual relationship with God, and are blind to community.” He went on to say that we “need to repent of our complicity in the brokenness, of our pride, and of putting our trust in chariots and horses rather than God”.

I was feeling quite helpless and deflated by the end of his message, feeling like I can’t turn to the left or the right without doing something wrong, but he ended by saying, “I’m not saying not to help. Help! Give! Give four times the amount you are giving, but just do it right.” How? He and other speakers all emphasized relationships over time through the local churches. Partner there, and be humble. (And I would add, read his book. It is very eye-opening!)

“If you want to go fast, go alone. But if you want to go far, go together.” ~African proverb

The Power of Eye Contact

2011-05-21T15:51:00.001-05:00

Last week, Travis and I headed to Kentucky for the 2011 Christian Alliance for Orphans Summit. It was an amazing time overflowing with information, inspiration, challenges, and encouragement. I felt like I was drinking from a fire hose and I am still trying to process what I learned and came away with.

One thing I wanted to share was a brief but powerful video clip that Dr. Kayrn Purvis shared about the importance of eye contact with babies.

Dr. Purvis noted how just those brief moments without eye contact and interaction from the baby's mother led to frustration and acting out, and she then linked that vivid example to the need of so many orphaned children who never receive this loving, compassionate eye contact. It is no surprise, she continued, that the subsequent acting out that is often seen in many unloved, uncared for children, particularly foster children and orphans, is not because they are "bad" or "naughty" children, but because they are desperately calling out for someone to look them in the eyes and love them, and to reflect back to them who they are. Dr. Purvis explained that interestingly, when troubled children intentionally cut themselves, their brain releases endorphins that reduce tension and emotional distress -the same endorphins that are released when receiving compassionate, loving eye contact with a caring parent or care giver. They seek it however they can find it.

"We are created to look into the eyes of our Lord and know who we are, and children are created to look into the eyes of their parent and know who they are." -Dr. Kayrn Purvis

Little things that many families take for granted are so deeply longed for, even if they can't articulate it, in many, many children.

A Time for Everything

2011-05-01T19:19:00.001-05:00

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven." Ecc. 3:1

2011 has been the time for a few things in my life, and I thought I would share about some of them with you.

We’ve lived in our home for almost ten years, and in that time, stuff has had the tendency of accumulating! I was feeling the “squished” feeling, so it was time to let go! Through January and February, I thinned out the house. I had a box at the bottom of our basement steps, and I methodically went through everything in our house (sheets, Tupperware, clothes, Christmas decorations, toys…) and filled box after box. When one box was filled, I carried it out to the garage and put an empty one in its place. I continued this until I “felt lighter”. I ended up with fifteen boxes of stuff in our garage! Maintenance takes time, cleaning takes time, organizing takes time, seeing too much stuff around me makes mental clutter in my head. I was tired of feeling the weight of owning too much stuff, more than necessary or needed. It was time for much of it to go. I have noticed that by getting rid of extra kids toys/games, the boys have been more attentive and deliberate about playing with the remaining preferred ones. It feels wonderful! I feel light and free and more focused!

"...A time to keep and a time to throw away..." Ecc. 3:6

Also this year, I decided it was time for me to learn to bake bread. I have always been afraid of baking with yeast (I had a bad experience a while back with a bread maker and never tried it again). But I had the prompting that it was time to learn, so I’ve been having a blast with bread.

My very first loaf!

Dough for oatnut bread

Challah a l'Orange

(I found the recipe in a children's book!)

Kneading the dough is my favorite part. I love the therapeutic, rhythmic, natural feeling it gives. It has a simplistic, back-to-basics kind of feel to it. I needed that. (I entered the field of nursing back in college in part because I loved the "basic necessity" aspect of nursing.) I’ve never been an “added frills” kind of person, and so the activity of mixing, kneading, raising, and baking bread has been so calming and purposeful to me.

Finally, in March I quit drinking coffee! I have debated with myself over wanting to quit for a few years, but I was waffling on the decision. The reason I quit is because I didn’t like waking up in the morning feeling like I needed a cup of coffee. I felt uncomfortable with my feeling of dependence and desire for it. I didn’t think I should crave something other that God like that. I wouldn’t wake up seeking God, but seeking coffee first. I had given coffee too strong of a grip on me. So one day I had enough, it was time, and I quit cold-turkey. I had terrible headaches and felt groggy for a week, but ever since, I have been feeling great! I haven’t even had a desire for it. I did it for the Lord, telling Him that I want Him more than coffee.

“’Everything is permissible’ –but not everything is beneficial.

‘Everything is permissible’ – but not everything is constructive."

1 Cor. 10:23

(On a side note, I also feel like it is time for me to re-design my blog, but it seems like the more I try to change it, I just mess things up. I'm not computer savvy, so it will take some time for me to figure out what I want, and then figure out how to do it!)

Like Reaching Towards a Star

2011-04-06T19:30:00.000-05:00

"...if we would know God and for other's sake tell what we know,

we must try to speak of His love.

All Christians have tried, but none has ever done it very well.

I can no more do justice to that awesome and wonder-filled theme than a child can grasp a star.

Still, by reaching toward the star the child may call attention to it

and even indicate the direction one must look to see it.

So, as I stretch my heart toward the high, shining love of God,

someone who has not before known about it may be encouraged to look up

and have hope."

A.W. Tozer, The Knowledge of the Holy

Costly

2011-03-31T22:10:00.002-05:00

A book, a movie, an article, all unrelated except that they all are about India, women, and finances.

The movie, Water, about a young (child) widow, relegated to being an outcast for the rest of her days, cast aside by family and society in the name of religion. Why? The movie implies that it is a social construct built to deal with the financial liability of women in the culture.
It's all financial.

Then the book, Nectar in a Sieve, about a very poor farming family in India, walked me through the raw experiences of famine, starvation, death... It helped me see the economic side, even having a necessary role, in choosing a husband for their daughter (example: if he is a first born, he will inherit his parents' land and will be able to provide a place to live). It made me feel like marrying for love is yet another luxury for the rich. So much I don't understand...
But I saw it's all financial.

And then the article in WORLD magazine, entitled "Worthless" - discussed how the birth of a baby girl in India brings grief and shame to their family.

"50 million girls and women are missing from India's population, according to UNICEF."

"In India, boys have all of the advantages...Boys carry on the family name and build up the family wealth. Girls drain resources through dowries."

"'It's hard to judge a woman who is crying because she just delivered a girl when you know that she is probably going to be beaten or abused by her husband or mother-in-law as soon as she gets home...It's a problem with the family and community.'"

"It can't be coincidence that whenever a child is kidnapped in the city, it's a boy, and whenever abandoned, it's a girl."

Once again, it's all financial.

On the bright side, the article ends with a quote from the house warden from the Leprosy Mission Home who adopted a girl, saying, "Whoever threw this child away might think that she's garbage, but I don't think that's what God sees. That's not what I see. She's not garbage. She's my baby."
(WORLD, February 12, 2011)

Just learning, thinking...

A Little Dialogue

2011-03-29T21:46:00.002-05:00

It was one of those conversations...
I arrived home after being out for the evening, and it went like this:

Travis: You are going to see that Justin has a big scratch under his eye.

Me: what happened?

Travis: Caleb scratched him

Me: why?

Travis: they ran into each other running in the dark.

Me: what?

Travis: yeah...

Travis: ...I was chasing them

Me: did Justin seem hurt by it?

Travis: a little, but not as much as when he bumped his head on the counter.

Me: what? did that happen tonight, too?

Travis: yeah...

Travis: ...running in the dark.

Can anyone tell me what children's book this reminds me of?!

Child's Play

2011-03-24T13:05:00.001-05:00

Ethan and Caleb have been playing with their G.I. Joes during all their free time recently. They’ve been deeply engrossed in some ongoing plot. Usually I don’t pay attention to what they are imagining, but when I kept hearing them talk about “the orphans”, I began to listen and observe. I learned that there were the “bad guys” and the “good guys” with "the orphans" caught in the middle. The bad guys were trying to make the orphans slaves and the good guys were on a mission to save the orphans. That's quite a heavy plot for children so young, but those realities of life have been brought into our home at their young age, and now they are learning what side they are on.

I know that imaginary play is vitally important to the development of a child. It builds creativity, imagination, problem solving skills, and helps them prepare for their life as adults. I hope so.

I hope so.

Shaken

2011-03-14T13:31:00.001-05:00

I watch with horror the destruction from Japan's horrific earthquake,

with tears on my cheeks, I cry "Dear Lord...",

I continue to think of Hebrews 12:26b-28

"'Once more I will shake not only the earth, but also the heavens.' The words 'once more' indicate the removing of what can be shaken -that is, created things- so that what cannot be shaken may remain. Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful,

and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe."

Life on earth is so fragile and unpredictable; it feels so comforting and reassuring to know that I belong to a kingdom that CANNOT BE SHAKEN!!!

Arms of Love

2011-03-12T15:29:00.003-06:00

I assume that anyone in the adoption world, especially connected to Ethiopia, has heard about the recent events in Ethiopia. But some of you probably not have heard that the Ethiopian government has drastically reduced the processing of inter-country adoption cases from 50 to 5 a day. Reasons stated are that they want to investigate some corrupt practices and more deeply investigate the children’s cases as they are being processed.

This just makes my heart ache. No, I don’t want unethical practices to have free reign (or any reign) in the important and vulnerable world of adoption and orphan care. Yes, I realize that other countries have gone through similar slow-downs and shut-downs. But that doesn’t make this situation any more palatable. The Lord wants orphans and vulnerable people protected and cared for. The enemy wants the opposite of that. The enemy wants corruption, greed, and pain to permeate the world of orphan care so that the ones that end up losing the most are precious and vulnerable children. The enemy continues to fight against any good that is trying to be done, infecting the process with unethical practices that cause all the honest and good progress to be thwarted. As our pastor continues to say, we are living in a battlefield, not a playground.

I realize that this type of event is not new to the world of international adoption -just as sin in the world is not new. We should continue to be brokenhearted over it. It should not be taken into our minds as a matter of course or another blurb of news; it should make us desperately ache all the more for the Lord’s justice and righteousness.

“The Lord your God is with you, He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.” Zephaniah 3:17

This passage reminds me of when Justin was newly home with us; he would wake up screaming multiple times through out the night. Travis or I would go in to him, gather him in our arms, lovingly sing to him, and help calm and quiet him down. I see this verse as a beautiful description of those moments and it flows into a rich understanding of our Heavenly Father who does the same with us -and with the seemingly unloved orphans around the world. Imagine the Lord gathering them, lonely, scared, shaking, screaming into his arms, rejoicing over them with singing, and quieting them with his love. Oh, what precious, precious arms of love!

How can this God be understood by those who have never been quieted by love or rejoiced over? I so desperately want to help be His hands and feet in showing this loving God to the world, as do so many others who are currently in the midst of this turmoil in Ethiopia right now. Please pray with us for this situation in Ethiopia to be found honorable and full of integrity so that more children will have the opportunity to know the love and security of a family that we all are blessed with.

Crossing the Line

2011-02-09T19:00:00.006-06:00

In a recent conversation with my sister about adoption and orphan care, she referred to a passage in a fairly obscure chapter in Exodus.

Exodus 22 is in the midst of the Lord giving the law to His people through Moses. It lists out prohibited behavior and resulting punishments. Offense and penalty.
Issues dealt with include stealing sheep, breaking and entering, destruction of property, killing in self-defense, lending obligations, cursing God, sorcery…

Each offense is listed with the appropriate punishment.
But there in the middle of the chapter, something jumps out. One offense has crossed the line:

“Do not take advantage of a widow or an orphan. If you do and they cry out to me, I will hear their cry. My anger will be aroused and I will kill you with the sword; your wives will become widows and your children fatherless.” Exodus 22:22-24

There is a switch from objective Judge to protective Father. In this case, the justice is not left to be carried out by humans, God Himself will deal with this offense.

It feels like the tone in the chapter switched from “It’s not personal; it’s the law” to “it just got personal!”

This scenario reminds me of a scene from the movie “The War” (with Kevin Costner and Elijah Wood). Stephen (Costner) remained calm, controlled, and objective while being provoked and harassed by the mean-spirited Mr. Lipnicki, until Lipnicki crossed the line.
Mr. Lipnicki went after Stephen’s son.
His son cried for help.
Mr. Lipnicki had to face the wrath of a father who loves his son and whose protective instincts kicked in. It just got personal.

Without trying to draw too many similarities between Costner’s character and the Lord, here is the clip from the movie -just keep in mind the Lord’s concern for and fatherly protection of the defenseless, and how when they are exploited or taken advantage of, the perpetrator will face the wrath of a loving and almighty Father.

The fatherless and the defenseless are near and dear to the heart of God, shouldn’t they also then be near and dear to our hearts?

All of It!

2011-01-27T13:50:00.003-06:00

I have written previously about the financial side of our adoption experience (here and here), but it is time to address it again. I wrote about how, at the beginning of the adoption process, we felt God was asking us to trust Him and put our finances (all of our savings) into His hands and see what He would do with it –and with our family.

We did. And soon after we brought Justin home, Travis was reduced to 24 hours a week at work, and has remained at that rate ever since -fourteen months now. We adjusted our budget to fit the reduced income, and our expenses this year have equaled our income –in other words, no extra, no savings.

End of story?!

Remember Gideon and the army God whittled down to a small size? (Judges 7)
Remember the two fish and five loaves of bread that Jesus multiplied to feed thousands? (Matthew 14)
God did these things so that the work done would be seen as God’s doing, and He alone would be given glory. With the limited resources, man could not have done it.

So now, a year and a half later in our life,
After spending all of our savings on the adoption,
After being on reduced income with nothing extra to possibly save,
Our savings account is back up to our pre-adoption amount!

We can account for some adoption refunds from the government and employer, but we can not account for all of it –and Travis always keeps tabs on every dollar! Throughout this year, Travis has tossed his hands in the air when looking at our records and says, “I have no idea where this has come from!”

I believe that a part of God’s purpose for having Travis on reduced hours this past year is so the Lord could show His provision and remove the possibility of it being explained by the work of men -or by our financial acumen! This is not about us, this is about God!

At the beginning, He led us to Isaiah 58:10-11

If you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry

and satisfy the needs of the oppressed,

then your light will rise in the darkness,

and your night will become like the noonday.

The LORD will guide you always;

He will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land

and will strengthen your frame.

You will be like a well-watered garden,

like a spring whose waters never fail.

God asked us to give our money to Him and trust Him with meeting our needs.
And in addition to blessing us beyond our imagination,
He gave it all back.

HE GAVE IT ALL BACK!

He didn't have to do that. His provision was sufficient. His blessings were abundant. Our hearts were full. But He chose to give it all back.

I am thankful for this last year of reduced income; what an honor to be used by God to display His faithful provision and extravagant love!

This is His story. This is my King.

Boys and Dolls

2011-01-26T13:37:00.005-06:00

In the midst of our house that is full of three boys, bins overflowing with legos, G.I. Joes, and a dress-up box full of pirate, knight, and cowboy costumes, we have floating around here two neglected baby dolls (I won't mention that one is Travis' childhood Cabbage Patch doll... oops, too late!). Up until recently, Justin was the only one who cared for these dolls; he loves to hold them and "change their diapers".

Our life took a turn a couple of weeks ago when Ethan and Caleb somehow decided that they now were going to parent these two dolls and they have taken them everywhere with them! The dolls are next to them in bed, resting on the table when they do their schoolwork, and beside them in the car when we leave the house. One day we arrived home after some errands, and after I got Justin out of his carseat, I approached the front steps and found Ethan and Caleb waiting for me to unlock the front door, patiently bouncing and rocking their babies in their arms! They looked like old pros! They even used their allowance money to buy clearanced baby clothes for their dolls! ...We'll see how long this trend lasts!

They have not, however, abandoned all boy-ness in playing with these dolls. The other day Caleb had his baby dressed with underwear on the outside of its onesie. I asked Caleb why his baby had undies on the outside of his clothes and Caleb looked at me as if the answer were obvious and replied, "He's Superman!"

Here are a couple more pictures just for fun!

My Husband, My Hero

2011-01-12T13:19:00.002-06:00

Later this month is Travis’ birthday, and I wanted to share a bit about the man that I love and am honored to have love me. Beyond the more obvious, generic reasons that I love my hubby, here are some more obscure reasons:

1. Travis always wants to help guide, protect, and watch out for me. And since we are one of the few people who still do not have a GPS, Travis prints off directions for me when I am going to travel out of town without him. He doesn’t just print off a map –but multiple page directions, step by step, detailed, highlighted roads, time estimations, pictures…(he is an engineer). However, I tend to be a minimalist in this regard –give me the fewest amount of directions possible to get somewhere –so even though I don’t always use his detailed, multi-page directions, I love him for watching out for me!

2. Even though I am not musical and can’t carry a tune very well, I tease my poor husband for being an even worse singer than I am. I kid him for not even being able to sing the ABC song on-key. He puts up with a lot of ribbing, but even so, he continues to sing to our boys before bed. I can’t express how beautiful it feels to hear him softly singing (off–key) “I Love You Lord” while lulling Justin to sleep at night.

3. Since I am home with the boys all day everyday, I tend to want to cut their bed-time routine short and be done with it. But since Travis is gone all day long, he treasures that time to talk with the boys. Many nights I’ll be sitting in the living room, wishing he would turn their light out, but yet I am deeply grateful for what he is doing –treasuring his boys. At any time, you could ask our boys what “Jim” is up to right now, and you will get an earful of tales of adventure. You see, “Jim” is a made up character in an ongoing saga Travis has been telling the boys for over a year. "Jim" is an adventurous sailor who travels the high sea in search of adventure, helping those in need, and warding off pirates. In every story he tells, Travis weaves in action, geography, character lessons, and problem solving skills. From mending a ripped sail, rescuing someone lost at sea, navigating through a storm, to knocking out the rudder of an angry pirate ship, I am amazed at the creativity and intentionality in his stories!

4. Travis is the only adult I’ve seen who actually heeds the “Parents can play too!” sign posted at the McDonald’s play land. He climbs around in there with the boys -and at 6’6”, he has to fold up pretty tight to fit! At park playgrounds in the summer, other kids flock to him as if he were the pied piper. While most parents are sitting on the sidelines chatting with each other, texting, or just casually watching their kids, Travis is actively engaging –running, chasing, climbing, laughing… kids are so drawn to him because he enters their world. He sees them and recognizes their worth and value, they love him for it.

5. This may sound odd, but Travis turns off the water in shower when he lathers up. And he eats the often rejected heels of the bread loaf. His thinking is, “if there is a food crisis (or water crisis) around the world, I can eat the heels of bread (or ration my water)!” He does this not to throw the extra cents saved at the problem of poverty, starvation, and water shortages, but to remember those in need, to enter -ever so slightly- into their suffering. While we Americans are really good at throwing money at problems, we believe that God wants us to be throwing our hearts and prayers at problems. To care takes more energy and effort than to donate money. Travis does this genuinely without any fanfare or need to be noticed.

6. I love bananas. I eat one first thing in the morning and as a snack before bed. Knowing this, Travis will often stop to buy some milk on the way home from work and while at the store he will pick up some bananas for me to keep the supply well stocked. Now, he doesn’t just buy a bunch of bananas, he will buy multiple bunches in varying stages of ripeness so they don’t all over-ripen at the same time! He is so pre-meditated in everything he does, even his random acts of love to me are methodical!

7. Travis is cut from the mathematical engineer cloth. He is not emotional and rarely does he shed a tear. But, one of the few things that evokes emotion in him, that causes his eyes to well up and his voice to quiver is adoption and orphan care. He is passionate about it. It is a work of the Lord to take someone so factual, mathematical, logical, and give him a heart of passion and deep concern for the fatherless. I LOVE this about him. I am excited to see where the Lord will take our family next.

Happy Birthday, Love!

Undeserved

2011-01-02T15:43:00.002-06:00

It started due to a bad idea…
It was four days before Christmas and I impulsively decided I needed to start reading a new book. I picked a small one off my “to read” pile, thinking it should be a quick read. Trouble was, the book I chose was Elie Wiesel’s Night –a memoir of a Holocaust survivor from Auschwitz! (Why anyone would choose to read that book in the week before Christmas is beyond me!) It was gripping and I finished it quickly –but it left me feeling glum and emotionally raw. Add to that the extra Christmas plans and travel preparations and it’s no surprise that the next night at dinner I was emotionally volatile! I started snapping at the kids for minor infractions and annoyances. Travis, in his wisdom and gentleness, tried to temper my outbursts, but I remained grumpy.

After dinner I sent myself to my room for a time-out to cool off. I laid quietly on my bed for a while and after a bit, I heard the door open. I looked up to see Ethan entering the room carrying a glass of cherry soda. He set it on my bedside table and looked at me and said with a smile on his face and love in his eyes, “I brought you a special treat!” I thanked him profusely, apologized for my harsh words, and gave him a kiss.

After he left, I laid on my pillow in awe, wondering, why would he do that?!
After being snapped at by me, he didn’t choose to respond in anger, to avoid me, or to complain about me. Rather, he chose to respond in love and kindness.
How does a seven year old do that? Many adults (myself included) often can’t respond with such maturity and selflessness.

Ethan’s response to me was pure grace. Undeserved. Unmerited favor. I didn’t deserve to be treated with kindness and love after the way I snapped at him. I am left in awe.

As the parent, I am supposed to be modeling Christ-likeness to my children –but they so often are the ones who model it for me!

A Twitching Finger

2010-12-06T18:50:00.002-06:00

I’ll never forget the day we took Justin “home” to our hotel, the first day we had him as ours…
We entered our hotel room, briefly stunned with the “what do we do now?” feeling. We all plopped down on the bed and stared at each other, aware that our lives had forever changed, but unsure what to do next. Justin was motionless and expressionless –and for a 15 month old, that is a significant anomaly! We showed him a few items –a pen, a water bottle, a toy… no response. Then Travis cracked open a container of Cheerios, showed them to Justin, ate one to demonstrate, and held one out to Justin…

What happened next I found sadly poignant. I heard Justin take a quick, deep breath in (the way you do when you suddenly see something you really want), and I saw his right forefinger twitch. But, he continued to sit motionless and expressionless.

He didn’t know us. He didn’t trust us. He didn’t know that we were his parents, the two people in all the world who were profoundly interested and concerned with his well-being, his safety, his health… with him.

He didn’t know that. He had no reason to believe that we had his best interest at heart, that we wanted him to reach out and grab the Cheerio and taste it, enjoy it. We were not being cruel –teasing him with something he could never have, or offering him something bad for him.

He didn’t know that. He didn’t trust us.

That scenario has played over and over in my head and has gotten me thinking… in what ways is that similar to the interaction between man and God? Or more specifically, between me and God?

Have there been instances when God has held something wonderful (better than a Cheerio!) out to me, something that makes me catch my breath, but all I am willing to do is twitch my finger in desire?!
Afraid to reach for it?
Unsure of the motives or intentions of the One offering it to me?
Do I not realize that He, above anyone, is profoundly interested and concerned about me? He is not a cruel trickster or sadist. His ways are right and good. Always.

Has it not been true that the more I get to know my Father, the more I trust Him, then the more eager I am to jump out and eagerly grasp the next thing He holds out to me? It may look strange, it may be unknown, but I know and trust the One holding it out to me.

So now I ask myself, what is God holding out to me, beckoning me to come and reach for? Am I twitching my finger in eager anticipation, but yet remain unwilling to reach out for it?

… Travis eventually placed the Cheerio into Justin’s mouth, and Justin ever so slightly chewed and swallowed. Each subsequent exchange, a gift offered and a gift received, grew less and less hesitant -more eager, more trusting, more anticipated.
And now today Justin is all too eager to let us know just what he wants!

You see, he knows and trusts us now.

Depraved Indifference

2010-12-03T13:21:00.002-06:00

Movie Night

2010-11-30T09:44:00.005-06:00

I realize that being the Christmas season, there is probably nobody who is interested in watching a documentary or a foreign film right now. But I'll put these out here -perhaps for future reference for an interested eye.

This movie is fascinating for anyone interested in Ethiopian history, the complexities of adoption (although his was an unusual situation), and the richness of people groups full of culture and tradition. I was deeply moved through so much of this movie, multiple issues were hinted at or addressed that could have been whole other movies on their own. Very rich.

I couldn't believe the medical conditions portrayed in this movie. We in America have so much incredible medical care and expertise available to us!! Appreciate it! An example from this documentary: the English surgeon brings a medical drill bit to the Ukrainian surgeon for brain surgery. The drill bit had been used and discarded because in England, they discard the drill bit after each patient... The Ukrainian surgeon responds with, "Wonderful, I've been using the same drill bit for 12 years"!

This movie is an inspiration! It is a fabulous story of a young, disabled man who set out on a mission to change his country's attitude towards the disabled. This documentary will make you want to get off your seat and help people!!

The Sugar On Top

2010-11-10T13:57:00.004-06:00

Because we brought Justin home when he was fifteen months old, I have heard a few comments about how “lucky” I am to have skipped a year of diapers, night feedings, pregnancy, etc. I understand the intention behind those comments, but really, any so-called “benefits” of missing out on the first year of your child’s life comes at a very high price.

I know of no parent who would wish away their first year with their child –regardless of the exhausted, autopilot, monotonous mode of repetitive diapering, feeding, and nap every two to three hours day after day after day… Every mom knows that because of (not inspite of) that time, there is a rich, precious bonding that occurs between mother and child -in the midst of the fatigue- that wouldn’t be traded for the world.

I missed that with Justin.

But here's the kicker, Justin loves to role play –usually as “kitty”, “lion”, or “brown bear”. And every once in a while, Justin looks up at me and says, “I baby”, then he wants me to cradle him in my arms like a newborn infant while he lays quietly and still, with his eyes closed and with a goofy half-grin on his face as he pretends to be a sleeping infant. I rock him and sing lullabies to him for a few precious moments until his eyes burst open and he shouts, “I awake!” with a big smile.

Those moments are good for me. I get to rock and hold my two year old as the infant I didn’t have. And, I know that inside my silly little two-year old’s heart, it’s good for him too.

Adoption is crazy awesome.
This is just the sugar on top.

Tomorrow is Orphan Sunday

2010-11-06T22:49:00.001-05:00

Hope is Fading – Orphan Sunday from Allan Rosenow on Vimeo.

Are You Rich Enough For One?

2010-11-03T23:39:00.002-05:00

We have celebrated a number of family and friends' birthdays recently, and evidently Justin has taken a real liking to the birthday song, because he has been singing it tirelessly the last couple of weeks. He sings “happy bir-day you you, happy bir-day you you…” It’s very cute, especially when he sings it to “monkey”, or “spiderman”!

As his singing voice rings in my ears, I am reminded of a comment I read about an Ethiopian orphanage in There Is No Me Without You by Melissa Fay Greene, when she said,

“Few of [the orphaned children] knew their own birth dates;

most could only estimate their ages.

From where they stood, it appeared that birthdays

-like mothers- were the providence of the rich.” (page.291)

A birthday… a date on a calendar that is circled, marked, to note a special occasion. It marks your birth, recognizes and acknowledges your life, a day of personal importance, special meaning. Friends and family think of you and tell you how glad they are that you are in their life. They treat you special on that day, to remind you that you are special, worth appreciating and showing love to. In our family, we take turns telling the birthday person something that we have appreciated about them or a way that we have seen them grow and mature in the past year. It’s special, meaningful, priceless.

Many (I assume most) orphans have no birthday.

Have you thought about your birthday being a luxury "for the rich"?

In addition to having loved ones to celebrate with you, have you given thanks for just having a birthday?

Are you rich enough for one?

There are millions around the world who aren’t.

A Tender Heart

2010-10-22T09:37:00.002-05:00

Yesterday I bought a children’s book at our library’s book sale. Goin’ Someplace Special. It’s a gentle, personal, and honest story about the experience of a young black girl in the days of Jim Crow segregation as she makes a trip across town.

Last night I read it to Caleb before bed. Listening attentively, he asked a few questions, and as I was explaining the situation to him, I said, “It makes me want to cry!” He responded, “I think I already am.” We continued on reading and when we reached the end, he said, “I didn’t like some parts.” He flipped back to the pages that talked about her not being allowed certain places. We talked some more about it and about how glad we are that those rules have changed.

He scooted off to bed, but after lights out, he called to me. When I went in to check on him, he said, “I can’t sleep and I think I’m going to cry.”

“Are you thinking about that story?” I asked.

“Mmhm.”

I laid down next to him and debriefed some more with him. We prayed and thanked the Lord for loving everyone the same, no matter our differences. After another hug and kiss, I left a second time, only to hear him call again about ten minuets later. He was still having trouble sleeping, he told me, and said that he decided I should not read that book to him before bed again.

Lord, bless him. Some kids can’t sleep at night because they’ve heard stories about scary monsters and mean villains, for him it was a story of a young girl encountering racism. I guess when you think about it, those are all kind of the same thing.

As I silently asked God’s grace to cover any parental oversight on me giving my (almost) six year old son a burden too heavy for him to carry, I laid down next to him again. I said, “You know, it’s ok to cry if you feel sad, it shows you care. Honey, lots of people would read that story and think that’s too bad, but really not care. But it made your heart hurt. And I’m glad that it made your heart hurt because it shows you care about other people. And God will use you to help others and help other people be treated better. It takes people like you who care to make a difference.”

Lord, use his tender heart for your glory.

Who Are You?

2010-10-20T14:18:00.005-05:00

I love blogging because I love to share about my thoughts and experiences through writing about them, but I still haven’t figured out the relational side of blogging (my husband says there is no relational side to blogging). I really am not talking with anyone; I am just talking at people. I would much prefer a back and forth conversation, sharing ideas and responses, but blogging is just not the format for that. I continue to feel a tension from that; I wish my posts could turn into dialogue with you, but maybe I can just settle for knowing who you are!

As you can see, I have added the “Followers” feature on the side of my blog. When I post on here, I often feel like I am talking to a dark room ~ not knowing who is listening out there. So if you do follow my blog, would you be willing to let me know with the "followers" feature? I would love to have a better idea of who I am writing to and sharing with, just to help it feel more personal. I don't want to just shout into a dark room!

And thank you for reading and having an interest in whatever ramblings I have to share!

What's He Screaming?

2010-10-20T13:58:00.002-05:00

Every once in a while, Justin still wakes up screaming in the middle of the night. Last night we were jolted awake by him screaming something over and over. We couldn’t make out what he was saying, and Travis got up to go to his door to try to make it out. As Travis went, my mind raced –what if he is having a nightmare relating to some deep-seated fear or frightening experience from his past? What if what he is saying now will give us a glimpse into his heart and what losses and pain he feels?...

When Travis returned after resettling Justin, I asked, “what was he saying?”

What was he saying? The same thing that he screams about when he is awake:

"I WANT TO GO ON A BIKE RIDE!!!"

A Trip Remembered

2010-10-15T13:41:00.009-05:00

I haven’t written much about my experience in Ethiopia. I’m not sure why. Maybe because I don’t have words for my experience. Maybe because I am unsure who wants to hear about it. Maybe because I feel unworthy to describe Ethiopia to anyone.

I want to share some of my brief encounters in Addis Ababa. I hope I can describe a fraction of what I saw; I feel a lack of words to convey the images. I took many pictures, but the most moving sights I did not take pictures of –out of respect and honor, out of not wanting people to feel like a spectacle, an object of a foreigner’s curiosity –sucking away any remaining ounce of human dignity.

I saw a man sitting on a mat on the sidewalk with enormously huge legs and feet, grotesquely non-human looking appendages –I assumed he had Mossy Foot.

I saw another man, also abandoned to the sidewalk, with half of his head as well as other parts of his body gaping open with red, raw sores… (AIDS?)

There was a woman with wild hair and wild eyes sitting in the middle of the street, mostly naked, while cars and buses swerved to rush around and past her. I could only jerk my head to say, “did I just see…” and then we were long past.

A man, alone and naked -except for some shreds of clothing- dazed and confused was walking down the center of the road. Wild and unkempt.

Innumerable people, human beings, with a soul like you and I, were laying face down in the gutters while vehicles in the streets, just feet away, rushed past their heads. These people laying with tattered blankets covering their heads –for privacy? for dignity? To block out the commotion so they can sleep? I wondered could any of them be dead? How would anyone know, does anyone ever check?

Another man was walking down the street on his hands, holding onto small wooden handled blocks, with his gnarled legs pulled up and hanging uselessly at his chest.

We walked passed a street woman sitting with an armful of kids around her; as we passed she gave her young daughter a look and a nod, and this young child chased after us, grabbed my arm and caressed it, walking along at my side, pleading with me in words I didn’t understand, but I did, for any handout. Imagine yourself and your five year old child –imagine feeling so desperate and helpless that your best idea for providing for your family is to use your adorable and vulnerable child to learn to sell their cuteness for a morsel –and what will that “selling” of herself turn into as she grows older?!

There were hordes of young boys, the ages of my sons, scrounging in the gutters and puddles, trying to collect enough filthy water in their old buckets that they could shine enough shoes on the street corner to buy some food that day.

I walked past these people, we were breathing the same air, we were living together in that moment, they were no longer statistics or just “people in Africa” –a different world. It was the same world, I was there and they were there. Coexisting with the same human needs for survival, the only difference was that all my needs were being met and theirs were not.

My American style t-shirt and jeans and my white skin screamed out that I was rich beyond their comprehension. And I am.

The guard at our hotel lived in a tin box attached to the compound’s outer wall, barely large enough to lie down in.

Our hotel had a clothes washing service, and toward the end of our stay, Travis had a couple of items washed, including his jeans. As we walked down the stairwell that day, we saw from over the balcony the housekeepers outside, washing and wringing out Travis’ jeans –by hand. How privileged are we?! I am not used to being the one that is accommodated! We were the catered to rich folks who require running water, electricity, and toilets. At times I felt ashamed and embarrassed for needing such a higher standard of living. But I don’t know how to function without those things!

The lobby in our hotel had a television with American shows playing, and I felt embarrassed and apologetic to see how our country was being represented through those shows. –shows like “How I Met Your Mother” and “My Name Is Earl”. Full of sexuality, materialism, and stupidity.

So now here I am, a year later, back in America where life goes on, my needs are met, and people worry about how their hair looks, if their kids have the “cool” clothes or an adequate repertoire of extra-curricular activities. They have to have a hip car, make sure their lawn is adequately weeded and fertilized, and maintain a constant supply of treats and snacks at their disposal. I’m not saying I am immune to this perspective!

I have had a paradigm shift and I now feel paralyzed in our culture. I feel affronted on behalf of the destitute when I see how we live. The waste, the extravagance, the entitlement. I am ashamed of us and apologetic to them.

I recently watched a documentary about the global water crisis and how so many people are dying from lack of clean water. Afterwards, I went up to the bathroom and flushed my waste with a bowlful of clean drinkable water. This dichotomy drives me crazy! How do I live here and now with the blessings the Lord has given me, when I ache for those who have none of it? I have become more grateful with the daily privileges like running clean water down my drain. My outward actions may not look much different from a year ago, but my heart is full of much more daily and unprompted gratitude. Travis has a job! my legs and eyes work! We have clean water –daily! We can always find something to eat in our kitchen! Our home is safe! These are things that I am learning to be more cognizant of and daily appreciative of. Did I ever even give those things a thought? No! I took them for granted. -Of course we have running water, who doesn’t?! It is so easy to slip into a mindset of expectancy.

I continue to think of the motto of a mission/orphanage in Mexico;

“Live simply so others can simply live”

How?

I can go without an extra whatever so that we can help provide a well for the thirsty.

I can be less of a consumer.

I can pay attention to the local and global needs –and care.

I can live outside myself.

I can get rid of the excess in my house and donate it to those who can use it.

I can thank the Lord when I walk up the stairs with legs that easily carry me.

I can recognize the bondage of materialism and a society infected with it.

My reasons for making adjustments in my life are not rooted in feelings of guilt or duty, or even from a higher global moral obligation, but out of my heart aching for the needy.

And that is why Sara Groves’ song “I Saw What I Saw” continues to haunt me.

Ten Years, Baby!

2010-10-07T13:33:00.004-05:00

Today Travis and I have been married for ten years!

During the lighting of our unity candle, my Matron of Honor sang

"Go Light Your World",

a song that sings our heart's desire for God to use our lives,

marriage and family to share Christ's love with others.

A few days ago, as I was remembering our wedding and this song, I read a small article in a missions magazine telling about an American woman who recently spent a summer serving in Niger. In mentioning how she wanted to reach out to the girls living in the village, she shared this sentence: "Every night these precious girls sit outside our gate and braid each other's hair because we have the brightest light on the street." Although it wasn't the point of her story, I thought what an appropriate picture of this song's message! May we live and reflect the light of Christ, who is the "Light of the world", in such a way that those living around us see a brightly shining light where we live. May those who are seeking light see it in us and draw near.

Jesus said "I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life." John 8:12

I love you, Travis, you have been an amazing partner on this journey! We've only just begun!

Hey Adoption Friends:

2010-10-01T16:06:00.007-05:00

How many of you have heard of the newly released movie, “Like Dandelion Dust”? I have not seen it, but the movie trailer really bothers me! I have linked the trailer here; watch it and see what you think:

This movie has been promoted as a pro-adoption movie, and it is based on a book written by Karen Kingsbury (a Christian fiction author). But please tell me what part of this preview would make anyone say, “Boy, this really makes me want to adopt and jump into that can of worms!”? I realize the danger in my voicing an opinion on a movie that I have never seen, but I really am concerned about this movie. Being on the inside of adoption, this movie looks to be exploiting and sensationalizing adoption in a very nightmarish and unrealistic situation.

How many adopted children will hear of or see this movie and then live in fear that this tug-of-war might happen to them? How many adoptive parents will see this movie and have it shake them to the core with fears of legal nightmares? How many potential adoptive families will be turned off to the idea and run scared in the opposite direction because of what might (unrealistically) happen? How is that pro-adoption? Does the movie wrap up in the end with a bunch of warm fuzzies as the viewers collectively sigh in relief, "well, I'm glad that worked out!" ...while everyone who is actually involved in adoption is left reeling about all the what-ifs... ?

I’m looking for feedback; have you seen it? What do you think of it?

A Great Movie

2010-09-25T11:21:00.001-05:00

Of all the movies I've seen, I think this clip from A Raisin in the Sun is one of the most poignant. It is a powerful movie; if you haven't seen it before, go find it!

A Voice for the Voiceless

2010-09-17T14:21:00.002-05:00

Earlier this year, while I was visiting my parents, my eyes caught an image that captivated me. I saw, sitting on the floor in their stairwell, an old, beat up painting that my dad had recently paid one dollar for at a garage sale. As soon as I saw it I thought, "That is Proverbs 31:8-9!" With wide eyes I begged, "Can I have that?!"

"Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves,

for the rights of all who are destitute.

Speak up and judge fairly;

defend the rights of the poor and needy."

Proverbs 31:8-9

What a vivid picture of being a voice for the voiceless! There are many categories of people who need to be given a voice; the specific burden the Lord has given me is for orphans. This image speaks volumes to me in seeing a poor, weak, helpless lamb, alone in the snow, silenced because it has no strength of its own to cry out for help. This is the plight of the 143,000,000 orphans worldwide! We MUST give a voice to their need! As the dog in the picture is doing, we need to howl out with all of our strength, "Help! Here is another one who needs help!"

I was thankful that my dad eagerly let me have the painting and it has been sitting in my room for a while now. I am not sure what to do with it; in its beat-up condition, it isn't "attractive" in terms of artwork to be displayed, but it continues speak to me every time I look at it. My dad's $1 garage sale find continues to move me more than any priceless work of art that I saw in the Louvre.

I hope it moves you and serves as a reminder to all of us to be a voice for the voiceless.

My Summer Reading List

2010-09-13T21:04:00.001-05:00

I have read so many good books this summer that I want to share some of the titles in case anyone else is interested in reading them. (You can click on the titles where I give a brief description of the book to be linked to Amazon to find out more about them.)

These first two are written for older children, but I found them interesting. They are about the lives of children in Ethiopia and give a great view of the culture and country.

The Storyteller's Beads
This story is about a Christian girl and a blind Jewish girl who are brought together as they try to escape the drought and political unrest in Ethiopia in the 1980s.

The Garbage King
Follows the journey of a group of young, homeless boys living in Addis Ababa and their struggle for safety and survival on the streets.

Last Child in the Woods
Explains the importance for children in spending time outside, in nature, and describes the alarming trend in our society of offering less time and less opportunity for our kids to be out in nature.

Whatever Happened to Penny Candy?
Gives a clear, easy to understand explanation of economics. That might sound dry, but this book is fascinating! Things made sense to me that I never really grasped before.

Shepherding a Child's Heart
This is the first Christian parenting book that I have read that really emphasizes getting to the root of misbehavior, namely sinful hearts. I have never read a parenting book that so clearly and specifically addressed getting to that sinful root and teaching our need for Jesus Christ as our Savior. -It's not just about raising good kids that behave well!

Different Children, Different Needs
Through using the DISK personality model, this book was so helpful in understanding my kids' individual personalities and how to recognize their strengths and weaknesses. It also described the relationship strengths and struggles between parent and child based their individual personality traits. Very enlightening and helpful in properly understanding my children and not placing expectations on them that they are not able to fulfill!

The Introvert Advantage
I actually first read her other book, The Hidden Gifts of the Introverted Child. I love these books! They have helped me to understand myself! I have always been introverted and get overwhelmed by too much external stimulation and I can sit and read by myself for hours. These books describe what an introvert really is and why we are that way! (There is actually a different brain chemistry in extroverts and introverts! It's fascinating!)

Fields of the Fatherless
This is a quick read, but Davis (president of Children's HopeChest and advocate for adoption and freeing children from the sex slave trade industry) shares his heart and passion for the God-given call to care for the orphan, widow, and outcasts. Very passionate and I resonate with him on every page.

Crazy Love
You are probably familiar with this one, being such a popular book right now. Chan calls Christians out of status quo, comfortable life and live completely surrendered to the Lord and to seriously obey Scriptures in our outward living, not just in our theology. Good, challenging message!

Anything you feel like reading?!

Invisible Mom

2010-08-26T21:19:00.003-05:00

While on a family outing to Culvers this evening, Travis was up at the counter ordering some custard, and I was standing further back, watching the boys scuttle around. There was another mom with two young boys also waiting for their order, and as we were leaving, one of her children said something that I didn’t hear, but I heard the mother’s response. She replied to her son, “that’s his mom, right there.”

As I walked out to the car, I thought of something that I read in Secret Thoughts of an Adoptive Mother (by Jana Wolff). She is also a white woman who adopted a black son and she wrote an excellent chapter entitled “Friendly Racism” that I have resonated with. In it she says this:

“I was invisible at the mall once, when I overheard one teenager ask another if ‘that little black kid was here alone.’ Three feet apart, we were unrelated. In a way, my black son is on his own. Regardless of my commitment, notwithstanding my devotion, and despite my love, my son is alone in a way I have never had to be.”

She goes on to say much more about the honest and painful reality that she and I (and our sons) share.

Tonight at Culvers, in the eyes of another young boy, my two year old son was all alone. I was not recognized as his mother, or as belonging with him. And there have been other times at parks when Justin is off playing or near another parent, when I notice that adult casually glance around –are they looking for the black kid’s mom? I don’t want to make assumptions, but if it was you, would you do that? –wonder where his mom was?

You might be thinking, so what? He wasn’t alone, you were right there with him. I’m not trying to overreact; I’m just observing and pondering… What would that feel like? As he grows older, will he know people are thinking he’s alone –and possibly ask him where his mom is? How will that feel? I don’t know, I’ve never had to experience it, but wouldn’t it feel lonely if you knew that the world might not recognize your mom as your mom, not recognize you belonging where you belong?

Loved Nonetheless

2010-08-20T18:03:00.002-05:00

Earlier week I came across this video through my dear friend Amy, and I have watched it many times since then:

This October Travis and I will have been married ten years. And after ten years, I have conceded that (surprise, surprise) I will never be a perfect wife and Travis will never be a perfect husband. And as long as we live on planet earth, our marriage will be scattered with landmines. I have learned that comfort comes not from the hope and striving to be perfect, without fault, but in the continued commitment in spite of imperfection. The enduring together after and while dancing in the minefields is much deeper and precious and rich than the gooey-eyed, love-struck phase of newlyweds.

I have also realized that my biggest frustrations have not been in him, but in my failures. It feels much easier and saintly and virtuous to put up with or endure someone else’s weakness or imperfection than it is to admit and confess my own.

Recently, after another bout with our old acquaintances, disagreement and misunderstanding, Travis came home with three carnations, one white, one pink, and one pink and white. His accompanying note lovingly explained that although we are each different colors, how much more beautiful we are when our colors are blended together in the same flower –drawing out and complementing each other’s individuality and beauty in spite of differences -learning to become one.

That is an example of what makes marriage so beautiful: endurance and commitment. Marriage isn’t about being bound with someone who will forever tell me how amazing and wonderfully perfect I am, but to have a partner who, in deep love and honesty, can help me see that I am full of cracks and imperfections, but that I am loved nonetheless.

"Momma Daddy"

2010-08-08T15:56:00.001-05:00

If A. A. Milne were to describe Justin, I think he would have said, "He's a bellowing sort of fellow". His powerful voice emits deep from his diaphragm and whether he is angry or excited, all in his vicinity will know. Mealtime at our house has become much louder and my patience is often worn thin (I've never been highly tolerant of loud noises to begin with). He's just so LOUD!! Dinner a few nights ago was no exception when Travis was trying to tell me about a situation at his work, and Justin was in his seat, happy as a lark, bellowing "MOMMA DADDY! MOMMA DADDY! MOMMA DADDY!...." He wasn't trying to talk to us, he was just expressing himself. I finally said, "Justin! Shhh!" He flashed me his big dimpled grin and we all kept eating. Throughout the rest of dinner, I realized the significance in what he was saying. He was saying "momma, daddy" -meaning he knows what a momma and a daddy are! He had been an orphan, abandoned and alone. Now he happily sits in his chair singing "momma daddy" repeatedly and loudly.

I thought of Romans 8:15
"For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, 'Abba! Father!'"

Justin knows he has a momma and a daddy and is happy to just sit and say their names -over and over, and over again...

I guess it's not so bad to listen to that!

Another Justin Update

2010-07-28T14:52:00.006-05:00

Hello Friends! I realize that my blog has turned predominately into an adoption blog, and I appreciate you reading and being interested in that area of our lives!

I have shared at different points about the progress Justin is making in adjusting to our family, and it’s time to share again as I have noticed a growing change in him.

For one thing, he has been going to sleep so well these last couple of months! He may holler out of protest for a minute, but then quietly falls asleep –much different from the escalating screaming of earlier days. He also used to wake up with sudden, ear-piercing screams. Now I usually just hear him making noise in his room and I go in to get him.

Yesterday, when I laid him down for a nap, I hugged him and said, “I love you!” He replied, “I lub -ou!” then he said, “hug?” and squeezed me tighter. He leaned back and said, “five?” and gave me a five and laughed. What joy! And when he woke, I went in his room and, while still laying in his crib, he said, “awake!” I rubbed his tummy and he smiled at me and chirped, “Good morning!” then, “Hug?” I picked him up and he gave me a huge bear hug. I love it!! This is so much better then bloodcurdling screaming!

In previous months, it seemed as though he would cling to me when he was afraid or nervous because I was the most familiar thing to him in this unknown world he had entered. Now he delights in hugging me, he does it out of joy and to give me joy. I feel like he is trying to give me love. He is giving me his heart!

I am seeing a heart of compassion and friendliness in him. If another child is crying, he will go over to them and say, “Hug? Kiss?” and try to give affection. He will hug anyone leaving our home and all of our neighbors know when someone is leaving our house because he repeatedly shouts out in his booming voice “GOOD-BYE!” loud enough to be heard from each end of the block. He will also repeatedly shout “HELLO!” to any passerby until he is responded to.

This has been a summer of blessing for us. We are calm, relaxed, enjoying each other and full of love.

Be Encouraged

2010-07-16T12:53:00.001-05:00

The Financial Side

2010-07-12T22:24:00.004-05:00

I have wanted to write about the financial side of our adoption for quite a while, but I haven’t been quite sure how. Finances seem to be one of the forbidden topics in our culture, right next to politics. But for the sake of sharing about the work of God’s hand, I feel the need to tell our story.

I don’t want this to come across as anything we have done, but to show the wonderful provision of a faithful Lord.

We are not “well-off” by any sense of American standards. My husband is a civil engineer, and I stay home with our children, so we are your average, middle class, one income family. We don’t have tons of money, but Travis has always been a very good and responsible money manager. One of the ways that we have been able to pay for our adoption was by selling stocks that Travis had purchased after college. We have talked about how, unbeknownst to us, God’s plan for that money way back then was for “such a time as this” (Esther 4:14). I am so thankful for Travis’ faithful stewardship of that money. So with those stocks and our savings, we had enough money for an international adoption from Ethiopia (which, in full disclosure, cost around $25,000).

The question we felt the Lord was asking us as we were being led by him to adopt was “Will you trust me with all your money?” We have always stated in our beliefs and theology that our money was God’s, but when the rubber meets the road, were we willing to hand it over? In our case, adoption was not only about the child, but about our trusting and obeying the Lord. He was holding out his hand to us as asking us to lay our money and family into his hand, and see what he would do with it. There was no guarantee or promise, just the question, “Will you trust me with it?”

So we opened our hands, transferred our money and family into his, and said, “It’s yours; do with it as you wish.”

Now, I honestly cannot think of anything more worth spending money on than giving an orphaned child a family. Our hearts have exploded open with concern for the orphans, and I have never felt closer to the heart of God than I do now. For just that reason alone, it has all been totally worth it.

But there is more. From the financial side, the story continues. A few months after we brought Justin home, Travis’ hours at work were reduced from full-time to 24 hours a week, and have remained there to this point, eight months and counting. Our income cut by 40%. …Wait! That doesn’t look like heavenly provision, does it?!

It does. With reduced hours, we have been forced to look at our budget and cut out the wasteful or unnecessary spending (especially eating out!). We have been able to continue to tithe and support our missionary partners. Travis has been able to be home more as our family has transitioned through some big things this year (a HUGE blessing).

With Travis being home more, I was able to continue in a weekly morning Bible study that I wouldn’t have been able to because of child care issues with Justin.

I have been able to get out and meet with dear friends to talk about adoption and help process all that I have been going through.

I cannot say strongly enough that financial blessing does not necessarily mean more finances! It may mean less money and more blessing!

A passage of scripture that the Lord led me to as we were debating the financial side of adoption was Isaiah 58:10-11

“If you spend yourself in behalf of the hungry and satisfy the needs of the oppressed, then your light will rise in the darkness and your night will become like the noonday. The Lord will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail.”

My “sun-scorched land” after our adoption was not financial; it was relational and emotional. And God blessed us with a reduction in Travis’ work hours so I could become “well-watered” by some deeply needed friendship and relational time.

Additionally, as a result of our adoption, Travis has been able to use 200 hours of paid Family Medical Leave instead of using sick/vacation time throughout the year.

And with federal tax rebates and an adoption reimbursement through Travis’ employer, much of the money spent will come back to us.

We have looked at our bank statements this past year and we have asked each other, in all honesty, “where has this money come from?” We just spent all we had and our income has been cut almost in half, but the bank account is not dry, it’s growing. We honestly scratch our heads; it doesn’t seem to make sense. The point I want to make is, God is our faithful provider. He honors those whose hearts seek him. He provides in ways we need, even if we don’t know that’s what we need at the time.

Everyone’s story is different; this has been ours. God is always who he says he is.

A Year Ago

2010-06-20T21:26:00.002-05:00

One year ago, on June 19, we received the most anticipated phone call of our lives! The gentle and excited voice on the other end said, "Congratulations, we have a boy for you!" With overwhelming excitement we checked our email and saw, for the first time, a picture of our son for whom we had prayed for so long. I vividly remember thinking two thoughts, "You are my son!" and "Who are you?!" His eyes looked sad and lonely. My heart ached for him and I searched his photograph endlessly, hoping to learn more about him if I looked hard enough.

one year later...

I have a Maker

He formed my heart

Before even time began

My life was in his hands

I have a Father

He calls me His own

He'll never leave me
No matter where I go

He knows my name

He knows my every thought

He sees each tear that falls

And He hears me when I call

~Tommy Walker

"From one man he made every nation of men,

that they should inhabit the whole earth, and

he determined the times set for them

and the exact places where they should live.

God did this so that men would seek him

and perhaps reach out for him and find him,

though he is not far from each of us."

Acts 17:26-27

Robin Update

2010-06-16T14:04:00.001-05:00

"He will cover you with his feathers,

and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart."

Psalm 91:4

"In his hand is the life of every creature

and the breath of all mankind."

Job 12:10

Hidden from Sight

2010-05-26T21:27:00.005-05:00

Leaning against the garage in our backyard is a trellis with a huge, overgrown knot of ivy tangled to it.

It needs a serious trim, and I actually was planning to dig up and remove the whole thing this year because it just continues to grow out of control.

However, all I can do is just stare at it and wait...

Why the hesitancy?

Because tucked behind this unkempt, obnoxious backyard monstrosity is this:

and these

So for the present time, I sit in our backyard and watch as momma robin, with her attentive and cautious eye, makes her way to and from her nest. I smile as she flies home with a beak full of worms, caring for her babies, nourishing them and preparing them to fly.

From the outside, any passing observer would see only a big, messy vine in need of a good pruning. It looks like an untended eyesore.

But it cannot be disturbed. It’s not time. A work is being done, hidden from sight –a precious and mysterious work. In time, the work will be done. The babies will fly away and the nest will sit empty, its purpose fulfilled. And then I can carry out my intention of removing the overgrown vine from my sorry little backyard garden.

As I sit in our yard, watching from a non-threatening distance, I realize that I feel a sort of identification with the vine. As so many of my recent blog posts have revealed, I have had an overwhelming year –so many new thoughts, questions, growing awareness, carried burdens, significant experiences… they have all been growing, spreading, intertwining… oftentimes looking and feeling like a jumbled mess in need of a pruning –much like my unruly vine.

Yet, it is all for a good purpose, just as my overgrown vine is serving a hidden, unseen purpose of protecting and harboring those baby robins as they grow and mature. As all this new growth spreads and overwhelms the trellis of my heart, I can feel a quiet and peaceful work being done inside of me. Watching this vine, the robin, and her babies has helped encourage me to continue to wait patiently as God continues to hold me quietly in His nest, tending, nourishing, preparing. The Lord is cultivating the new growth that He has been doing in me this year, hidden from sight, inside my heart.

"Life is good" ...?

2010-05-16T14:56:00.006-05:00

I have always liked those t-shirts with a cute little stick figure doing something fun with the caption, “life is good”. They are happy, cheerful, optimistic shirts and I have often thought I might like one of them, but something has always held me back. I think it is because I don’t have to look very hard or very far to see that life is not good.

Life is full of pain, hurt, injustice, exploitation…

Life is hard, but God is good.

Can I shut my eyes to the hurt and the suffering at home and world wide? Just say it is too much to deal with, too big of problems for me to do anything about?

I am reminded of something I read about the Holocaust. As the train cars filled with Jewish captives being hauled off to their doom were traveling, their screams were heard by the nearby churches. So what did the people gathered in the churches do in response to hearing the screams for help from within the passing trains?

They sang louder to drown out the noise.

That image keeps plaguing me! I wonder –in what ways am I “singing louder” to drown out the noise of the oppressed and hurting? Do I hear the cries? Do I grieve with and for them? Do I respond?

I recently read in WORLD Magazine,
“We Westerners excel at getting on with it, at binding up wounds and fixing what’s broken, or paying others to do it for us. We do less well with pausing to grieve, feeling the pain long enough, letting the pain be pain and do its work.” (WORLD, Feb.13, 2010)

We won’t respond to the cries of the oppressed unless we stop to hear them and feel their pain. Our society is running on information overload and I have learned that in order to grieve properly over what God puts on my heart, I need to be very careful about how much information to casually expose myself to. I need to be asking myself, am I taking this information in because I care, or because I am simply curious?
Curiosity without caring leads to callousness.
Sadly, our culture is rife with callousness.

So to get back to the t-shirt issue, I am torn; I still like those “Life is good” t-shirts, but I don’t think I could wear one. With my propensity to analyze everything, I would feel like by wearing that shirt, I would be trying to sing louder to drown out the noise.

But, If I found a shirt that said, “Life is hard, but God is good”, with a little stick figure of someone lending a helping hand, or kneeling in prayer, I’d love to buy that one.

It's in the small things

2010-05-12T22:42:00.004-05:00

To continue on from a previous post about bonding in adoption, I want to share a moment I had today. But to back up, I should explain that our experience with Justin has been that when he is in pain or upset, he usually either gets mad at me or moves away from me. Obviously that is rough on a mother, because I want to comfort and protect him! Well, Justin has had some diarrhea for a couple of days, so his little bottom has been sore today. As I was cleaning him up and applying Desitin, he was crying in pain from the soreness. But what I found significant was that he was searching into my eyes and crying, "Mommmmmaaaaa!" And afterward, he snuggled up close to me to complete his sniffling until he was at ease again. He was looking to me for comfort and wanted me to help make it better. As much as I didn't like him being in pain, I relished being the one he cried for. I suppose that may seem like a small thing, but to me, it was huge.

"Why Wouldn't I?"

2010-05-05T22:30:00.004-05:00

Last week I was in the Twin Cities for an amazing couple of days at the Christian Alliance for Orphans Summit. Peder Eide led us in music both days and I fell in LOVE with his song, "Why Wouldn't I?". Here is a video in which he talks about that song and their adoption experience. Enjoy!

A Good Read:

2010-05-05T21:34:00.005-05:00

If you are looking for your next book to read, I'd love to recommend this one! I recently read it, and found it fascinating! It tells the powerful story of both a homeless man and a rich art dealer and how their lives were woven together. I was humbled and in tears at many points.

Here is a quote from it, "But I found out that everybody's different -the same kind of different as me. We're all just regular folks walkin' down the road God done set in front of us. The truth is, whether we is rich or poor or something in between, this earth ain't no final restin' place. So in a way, we is all homeless -just workin' our way toward home."

Read it, feel it, be moved by it... I think you'll like it!

Carrying Each Other

2010-04-26T14:26:00.002-05:00

I fully realize that I am way behind on this, but I just recently watched the epic Lord of the Rings trilogy. I am well aware that these movies have been analyzed to pieces already, but humor me while I pipe in.

The moment that made the most impact on me was towards the very end when Frodo had almost reached his destination. He was utterly spent, unable to continue on. The burden of carrying the ring had become too much for him to bear. His ever faithful companion, Sam, spoke words of encouragement and renewal, and then cried out, “I can not carry it for you, but I can carry you!” and hoisted Frodo up over his shoulder and continued on the arduous climb.

I keep thinking about those poignant words because they made me realize there is a subtle yet vast difference between carrying someone’s burden and carrying them.

Granted, many times we all carry burdens that we were never meant to carry, and as friends we need to advise and encourage each other to toss those burdens down. And then there are other burdens that we can help each other carry, and pragmatic ways to help ease the load. I think many of these types of burdens are situational, dealing with heavy schedules or responsibilities.

But there are some burdens that, as in Frodo’s case, we have been appointed to carry, we need to carry, no one else can do it for us –nor should they. There are purposes and inner works being done through our carrying these burdens, burdens which are often internal and carried in our hearts.

So I am seeing the need for discernment and wisdom in knowing when we can help carry a burden for a friend, and when we need to carry them. There is such a subtle significance to this! I continue to ask myself, what does that difference look like? How do my words spoken to another try to do one or the other? Are my words trying to remove, disregard, or minimize someone’s burden that they cannot set down? Or do I speak words of truth and encouragement, words that fully acknowledge the burden, words that sink underneath the feet of that dear friend, and lift her up and help carry her to her appointed destination?

As an example of this, those of you who left comments on my last entry, where I shared a burden I am carrying, your words have helped carry me. Thank you!

If you want to see that movie clip, click here.

Honesty

2010-04-12T23:35:00.003-05:00

I’m not sure who all reads my blog, I really only have an idea by who leaves comments. I do know that you are a variety of friends and family, and some others who are following specifically because of our adoption experience. Since you are a diverse collection of people, I sometimes feel paralyzed by not knowing how honest and personal to be in what I share. Additionally, since I am representing adoption by chronicling our experience, I feel some self-imposed pressure to represent only the good, wonderful, and rose-colored side of adoption.

That being said, I am going to step out onto the risky, vulnerable ledge to share some of my honest feelings. I don’t want to assert to speak for all adoptive families, so I am just speaking from my experience… Adoption is hard!

Justin has been home for almost eight months now, and I have a gnawing suspicion in my heart that his heart is not bonded to mine as a son to a mother. Anyone looking at our family would probably disagree and disregard that comment, saying that we have a great relationship and that he is well attached to us. And to a large extent I would agree, things do seem and look great. There is no particular evidence or scenario that I can point to to prove this suspicion.

But a mother knows things and can feel things deeper inside than appearances reveal. Justin is charming and adorable and fun, but he has not fully given his heart to me.

Just writing and reading these words puts a lump in my throat. As I have allowed myself to begin to put words to the deep sensing in my heart, I can say that I feel some sadness, some insecurity, some fear… I fully realize that we are still on a journey and our relationship will continue to grow and change, but this is where we are right now and it is a real and honest part of our adoption story.

As I am writing this I am wondering, why I am sharing this in such a public place as a blog?
~Maybe I just want to be honest. If someone is reading this because of interest or curiosity in adoption, I want to share all the realities of it.
~Maybe someone reading this is feeling the same things, afraid to voice it; it helps to have solidarity.
~This is a heavy burden to carry inside, I wanted to bring it to light and expose it. Perhaps through prayer, you could help carry this burden with me.

From the outside, adoption might appear noble, romantic, adventurous, altruistic…
From the inside it can be hard, scary, exhausting…

I compare it to a solider: from an outside view, they appear to be strong, patriotic, and brave. But when they are in the trenches of war I am sure there are times that the smoke is so thick that they have no idea what is going on or how their situation is going to turn out. They are just following orders one step at a time.

People have said things like, “boy, I could never adopt; I’m not that brave.”
I’m no stronger or brave than the next person!

I’ve never felt weaker in my life.

“But He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness’. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

Family Day

2010-04-03T11:52:00.007-05:00

A Fransiscan Prayer

2010-03-30T21:36:00.004-05:00

"May God bless you with discomfort at easy answers, half truths and superficial relationships so that you may live deep within your heart.

May God bless you with anger at injustice, oppression and exploitation of people so that you may work for justice, freedom and peace.

May God bless you with tears to shed for those who suffer pain, rejection, hunger and war so that you may reach out your hand to comfort them and to turn their pain into joy.

And may God bless you with enough foolishness to believe that you can make a difference in the world so that you can do what others claim cannot be done to bring justice and kindness to all our children and the poor."
—
Fransiscan Prayer

I found this on the blog of my sweet friend, Hannah, who also has a passion for the people of Ethiopia

http://givenewlife.tumblr.com/

The Voice of Truth

2010-02-26T13:48:00.004-06:00

Today I was dancing with Justin in the kitchen. “Voice of Truth” by Casting Crowns was playing loudly and I was spinning circles with Justin in my arms, his head was thrown back, squealing with joy, and my mind suddenly flashed back to three years ago…
I was again in the kitchen, mopping the floor, the same song was playing, and I had tears streaming down my face as I cried out to the Lord. I had just begun to hear His call, beckoning me out into the unknown waters of adoption. I had so many questions, fears, hesitations… Me? Where? When? How?

The song cried out my heart’s longing:

Oh, what I would do to have
The kind of faith it takes
To climb out of this boat I'm in
Onto the crashing waves

To step out of my comfort zone
Into the realm of the unknown
Where Jesus is,
And he's holding out his hand

There were negative voices… I heard them, not a lot, but some. Some were from inside me, most were from the outside. Doubting, critical, unsupportive, questioning…

The chorus became our war cry throughout the process:

The Voice of truth says "do not be afraid!"
And the Voice of truth says "this is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of truth
So here I am, spinning triumphant circles with my precious babe who calls me “Momma”. It is one of those “coming full circle” moments, remembering how and when this all started and now it has been accomplished. God has broken me, grown me, strengthened me, and blessed me in profound ways through this journey.

Yet, I know there is much more to come. Our adoption is not all consuming in our life, but it seems to have been a catalyst for the Lord’s work in all areas of our lives. There are times when I feel like a jigsaw puzzle dumped in a pile onto a table. I know that the pieces are supposed to all fit together to form some coherent picture. There are times of frustration, getting stuck, it just looks like a big mess, I can’t see how it all goes together… But then some pieces fit, I get excited; I see evidences pointing towards a purpose, a finished work. I haven’t reached it yet, but I know that the completion will be an awesome picture revealing the glory of God.

Do your work, Lord! We’ve only just begun!
“I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of truth”

Home

2010-01-25T22:14:00.018-06:00

For months now, I've been itching to make a slide show on bringing Justin home, but I've been waiting to find just the right song to go with it. Today I found it...

Complexity

2010-01-23T16:26:00.006-06:00

I find myself watching documentaries and movies lately that speak to complex issues in life. I've had an increasing awareness of how my limited experience in life has given me certain lenses through which I see the world, and I am on a crusade to throw off those lenses and try to see the world from different perspectives. I have posted some trailers for different movies I have watched these past months; they all address complex issues that have made me see ever more deeply that there is more than meets the eye, life is complex, and anyone who gives an easy answer doesn't see all the issues involved. Oh, Lord, help me to be more compassionate and understanding of others!

Justin: Then and Now

2009-12-15T20:52:00.008-06:00

Here are some examples of how we have seen Justin change over the last three and a half months from when we first brought him home to now. It feels so good to get to a point when we can say this is how it was, and here is how far we've come!

Then: When sitting down (on the floor, highchair, bed) Justin would not lift his arms to indicate that he wanted to be picked up. I had never before seen a child that didn't lift their arms to be picked up! And when we did pick him up, he would giggle as if it was a new and exciting experience for him!
Now: He knows when he wants to be held, and doesn't hesitate to let us know it!

Then: He was terrified of our cat, Skeeter, and would cling tightly to us whenever Skeeter entered the room.
Now: Justin will chase Skeeter across the room trying to catch him (I think now Skeeter is terrified of Justin!)

Then: Justin would cry in fear whenever the vacuum was being used.
Now: He dances with joy when the vacuum comes out of the closet!

Then: He would wake up repeatedly throughout the night, screaming and crying.
Now: Other than some fussing between 10pm and midnight, he has (just recently) been sleeping fairly well at night. (Whew!)

Then: When we would try to rock him and cuddle him to sleep, he would push back, away from us, and once he was laying down in bed on his back, he would be able to fall asleep. It seemed as though (and most likely was true) that he didn't even know how to fall asleep in the embrace of someone's arms.
Now: Finally!!! In just these last couple of weeks, he has been able to fall asleep in my arms as I sing to him and rock him.

Then: When falling asleep, or waking in the middle of the night, the ONLY thing that comforted him was his bottle, and he would cling to it desperately, as if it was the only familiar comfort to him in the world (which, sadly, I'm sure was true for him).
Now: When putting him to bed, or when he wakes at night, our presence, along with a gentle touch and soft song, will comfort him to sleep.

These steps and signs of progress towards a healthy attachment are extremely encouraging to us! These months have been consuming for us, but we are seeing a beautiful bond of love growing between him and us!

New Eyes

2009-12-01T23:09:00.010-06:00

I don’t know if someone could bring home an orphaned child from Africa and adopt them into their family without being profoundly changed. Forever.

Spiritually I have been plunged into a depth I have never before known.

My journal has seen a good share of use recently and I will not even try to summarize my processing throughout these last three months; it has felt like a tornado with all that has been whirling around inside me.

I feel like God has given me an eye transplant.

One of my ongoing prayers has been that I will see the world through God’s eyes. I want to rejoice in the things He rejoices in and grieve over the things He grieves over. I think He is working on that with me.

But right now, as my “new eyes” are recovering and adjusting, everything looks blurry. But I am hopeful that as these new eyes become acclimated, I will begin to see the world more as God sees it.

I want to share this poem by Wilbur Rees that I have reread many times this week:

“I would like to buy $3 worth of God, please.
Not enough to explode my soul or disturb my sleep,
but just enough to equal a cup of warm milk or a snooze in the sunshine.
I don’t want enough God to make me love a black man or pick beets with a migrant.
I want ecstasy, not transformation.
I want warmth of the womb, not a new birth.
I want a pound of Eternal in a paper sack.
I would like to buy $3 worth of God, please.”
–Wilbur Rees

God has heaped a whole lot more than $3 worth of Himself into my life.

A good word for today...

2009-11-17T11:54:00.003-06:00

It's Official!

2009-11-13T14:17:00.006-06:00

Today we had our court hearing to petition to adopt Justin. Our adoption was official in Ethiopia's eyes, but we needed to petition the American court to make him legally ours here.

Travis is being sworn in to testify

Travis' parents came with us; they took pictures and sat with Ethan and Caleb during the session. Beforehand, I thought this would be just another step in the legal process, but it really was a momentous experience! Hearing the judge say, "...the court finds it in the best interest of the child to be placed in the care of..." felt significant and definitive.

A Matter of Perspective

2009-10-15T21:56:00.007-05:00

This past month has mostly been a groggy blur for me. I feel like I’ve been running constantly around the house between the kids, homeschool, and housework -not to mention the new world of adoption, and when I finally get into bed at night, I wonder, “what did I even get done today?!”
Ever have a day, week, month like that?!

All month I’ve felt frustrated with myself and the many ways I feel that I am falling short of my self-set expectations as a mother, a wife, a housekeeper, in homeschooling my children, etc. I have been stretched and tired. I have not accomplished things in the way I would have ideally hoped. Schedules change, attitudes interrupt, exhaustion stifles.

I have a quote by Oswald Chambers displayed on the window ledge above the kitchen sink. It speaks directly to my current struggle, and the more I continue to read it and mull on it, the message is beginning to sink in.

If there is one thing I could point at and say, “that is what I am learning”, it is this:

“We are not meant to be God’s perfect, bright-shining examples,
but to be seen as the everyday essence of ordinary life
exhibiting the miracle of His grace.”-Oswald Chambers

Ahh, what freedom! As I pass by those words through out the day, I feel relief, calm, peace. I feel I have room to breath, to make mistakes, to be human! The focus is on God and His work, not me. I just feel so ordinary, I am so very imperfect, and nowhere near being a bright shining example. And that is just fine. His beauty and grace are on display in our lives of imperfection. I need to look for those “miracles of His grace”. And when I switch my perspective, I see His unmerited favor everywhere!

Today, I looked across the living room and saw Caleb, sitting next to Justin on the floor, give Justin a huge bear hug and scatter kisses across his face. Brothers. Simple. Profound. Beautiful. And saturated in God’s grace.

My husband is so patient, gentle, and longsuffering, there is so much in him that I don’t deserve. There have been many times this past month (and beyond) when I’ve been a bear to live with -and last week we celebrated our 9 year anniversary –God’s grace.

So, I am trying to cut myself some slack. There is no score keeper looking over my shoulder marking down how quickly I get the dishes done, or how long that dried chunk of banana has been stuck to the kitchen floor, or how long I’m going to leave that clean laundry stacked up in the basket in the bedroom. Really, why does that matter?!

I want to dwell on not only the obvious examples of God’s grace, but also the ones that I have to stop and look for to notice. They are there. Everywhere.

Sleep

2009-10-04T14:31:00.004-05:00

All week I've been thinking about posting an update on how we are doing. But for today, all I can do is post the lyrics of a song called "Sleep" by Plumb. The lyrics keep running through my head. Yes, I am tired. And a good, solid sleep would feel wonderful!

"Sleep" by Plumb:

Oh I feel so tired
I cannot hardly keep open my eyes
My thoughts are scattered and I cannot say a word
And I can't seem to remember anything
I've learned

Well do you have some of those days
When you can't be who you want to be
When you just need to close your eyes
Pull the covers up so high and drift away

And sleep so soundly
And dream profoundly
Cast all your cares on the
Only thing that you really need
And sleep so soundly

Now I feel so alive
A sense of movement slowed and somehow my tongues tied
My thoughts are shattered and they're making the stars in the sky
And I've never felt so speechless in my life

Well do you have some of those days
When you just need, you just need to be
When you just need to shut your mouth
And close your eyes and breathe in and out and drift away

And sleep so soundly
And dream profoundly
Cast all your cares on the
Only thing that you really need
And sleep so soundly

Sleep, yeah so soundly
And dream, just dream
Profoundly (sleep)
So sleep so soundly
And dream profoundly
Cast all your cares on the
Only thing that you really need

At Conception

2009-09-23T21:03:00.003-05:00

I have been asked by more than one person already, “Does he feel like your son yet?” It’s an interesting question and Travis and I were just discussing our response to it. I understand where the question is coming from; there are a lot of curiosities surrounding adoption. The question implies that there is or will be one specific point in time where I will say, “Yes, now he feels like my son.” As we were discussing this concept with each other, Travis and I both soundly agreed that the moment he felt like our son was last fall when we sent our adoption paperwork to Ethiopia. That moment to us was the same as taking a pregnancy test with the following response, “we are expecting! I can’t wait!”

The following months of waiting and anticipation were similar to carrying a child in the womb; you love the child although you have never met face to face. We sent our paperwork in, but with all the variables, there was still no guarantee that the result will be a child in our arms, just as pregnancy does not guarantee a baby in the arms. There were hopes, fears, anxieties, excitement. I even had food cravings with each child I waited for! With Ethan I craved citrus, with Caleb I craved chocolate, and with Justin I craved potato chips with dip!

I loved Justin before I knew him or even knew of him. I prayed for him, I wept and grieved for him and the losses he was experiencing. Last Christmas was painful for me because he was not with us. He felt very much like my son that whole time.

Sure, we just met in person a few weeks ago, and yes, we are still getting to know each other better. Each hug and smile makes our hearts grow deeper in love; every time that he is in tears and my embrace and soft words comfort him, we are bound together more tightly. It is a process of growing and knowing, but he felt like my son over a year ago.

Yes, the moment I felt like he was my son was at conception, the moment we sent in our paperwork.

The Day We Met

2009-09-17T20:28:00.007-05:00

I am finally posting some video from the day we first met Justin -August 31st, 2009! Our group from our agency all arrived at the America World transition home where all of our children we waiting for us. One by one each family was introduced to their child. We were able to play there for the afternoon, but we had to wait until the next day to bring Justin with us.

This first video is of our long awaited arrival to the transition home gates:

In this next clip, we are all waiting to meet our little ones!! (just building up the suspense for you!)

Finally, we meet!

More pictures to come...

"Recombobulation Area"

2009-09-10T20:58:00.006-05:00

I keep kicking myself for not having taken a picture of it. After having just gone through security in the airport at the beginning of our trip to Ethiopia, we stood at the end of the conveyor belt, refilling our pockets, putting our shoes and belts back on, and gathering our scanned bags, being sure to have everything accounted for and in its proper place. I looked up and noticed that there was a sign above us prominently labeling this area as the “RECOMBOBULATION AREA”. I laughed because it blatantly acknowledged that we had just been discombobulated by going through security. How appropriate!

This week since we’ve been home I keep thinking about that sign, and I imagine that sign hanging on the front of our house. We are in the process of getting recombobulated here. We are getting everything situated and organized, and looking around to see what has been forgotten.

This week so far has been hectic. We are still working on sleep adjustments (Justin is sleeping better each night). I have been to the doctor every day for the last three days. Tuesday the three boys had their physical exams, on Wednesday I went in because I have conjunctivitis (pink eye), and today I took Caleb back in because the immunization site on his arm was hot, red, sore, and swollen from shoulder to elbow (evidently he fell into the .5% for that possible side effect). Along with that we are collecting stool samples on Justin to test for parasites (we are on the third and last one!). –standard test coming from Africa.

So we are still working on get recombobulated!
I’ll be glad when we can pass onto the next stage.

Father and son hanging out after lunch in Ethiopia.

Brothers meeting for the first time in the airport

Which Way is Up?

2009-09-08T13:02:00.006-05:00

We are back home with Justin. There is so much I want to share about our amazing trip, but that will be at a future date. I just wanted to post a note to let you know that the whole trip was an awesome experience, in so many aspects. Everything went well, praise God! Thank you to everyone who prayed for our trip home. (I had mentioned that that was what I was the most concerned with.) Justin did so well on the 28+ hours of travel home! We were one of the lucky few to get a bassinet seat on the flight over, so he had a little bed to sleep in and play in.

Travis has the next two weeks off of work, so we are just going to hunker down and get our new life figured out. We took Justin to the doctor this morning and he has an ear infection, but other than that, he is a healthy little guy! Although, he is not sleeping well at night, and Travis and I are both exhausted with lack of sleep and wondering what we can do for Justin to calm him and get him rested at night. I know that this is a transition that will take time.

The best way for me to describe how I am feeling right now is like when I was a kid and I would take a big flying leap into the deep end of the pool and sink down deep. While under the water, I didn’t know what direction was what. Everything was thrown off kilter and I would thrash and swim around to figure which way was up and eventually my head would pop up out of the water and I felt stabilized again. At this point, I feel like I am still thrashing around trying to figure out which way is up. Eventually my head will “pop out of the water” and I’ll be able to look around and find some stability and normality again.

.

Let's Go!

2009-08-24T19:52:00.008-05:00

This is it, the real deal! We are leaving on Wednesday, the 26th, for Addis Ababa, Ethiopia! One week from today we will meet and hold our son for the first time! We are arriving there a few days early to see and experience as much of the country and culture as we can squeeze into our short trip. We have some friends who are missionaries in Addis and we are going to meet up with them for a bit. They have already visited our son once and are going to see him again tomorrow! (Travis and Andrea, we are so thankful for you guys!!!)

I might try to post updates while we are there, but I'm not giving any guarantees!

We certainly would appreciate prayers (we return on Saturday, Sep 5th). I am a little nervous about the plane ride home. We will be flying 25+ hours with a child who will have only known us for a few days. Everything will be different and probably very overwhelming for him.
Pray for God's grace for all of us!

Celebrate and praise the Lord with us, I love this song!

Caught in the Act!

2009-08-19T16:13:00.008-05:00

While at my sister’s wedding in June, we attempted to take a cute picture of Ethan and Caleb holding a photo of their new brother. As soon as the picture was taken, Caleb started crying and carrying on that Ethan had pulled his hair. Fortunately for Caleb and unfortunately for Ethan, we had just taken a digital photo and we quickly looked at the picture for evidence.

When we zoomed in on the picture, it was evident that Ethan did indeed commit an opportunistic hair pull.

Thinking he could get away with it, he was caught in the act! ...Brothers!!

Needed items for the transition home

2009-08-13T21:33:00.003-05:00

In case anyone is interested in sending supplies for the transition home with us when we go, I wanted to share the list of needs that they have. I'm not sure on exactly how much space we'll have in our luggage, but we want to bring as many supplies as we can for them. Anyone who wants to send something with us, let me know!

Donation Items You may bring for Orphanages and Transitional Home
a. Children’s clothing (new or slightly used); Boys and Girls; sizes 0-8 years. Clothing needs include day clothes, pajamas, underwear, and shoes.
b. Diapers size for up to 30 pounds
c. Toys to stimulate babies such as colorful objects, rattles, etc. that are appropriate for babies up to 2 years
d. Unscented baby wipes
e. Powder formula with DHA/RHA
f. Lactose free formula
g. A + D Original Ointment, Diaper Rash and All-Purpose Skincare Formula;
h. Hand Sanitizer
i. Wipers
j. underwear for older kids
k. clothes(especially trousers, dress)
l. DVD player and CDs( children movies, educational, spiritual movies, songs)

Medications/Medical items families can bring:
• Multivitamins
o Tri-vi-sol (o to 6 months)
o Poly-vi-sol (6 months to 2 years)
o Chewable multi-vitamin (2 years to 9 years)
o Adult multivitamin (9 years plus)
• Tylenol (acetaminophen)
o Infants
o Children's
o Suppository
• Syringes for giving medicines (5mL)
• Plastic disposable gloves
• Baby nose saline spray
• Neosporin
• mouth and nose masks
• Benadryl liquid/elixir
• Permetherin for scabies
• Lice kits
• Toothbrushes, toothpaste and floss

Enfamil
Similac

OR the following Generic Brands with identical nutritional value as Enfamil & Similac

1. Parents Choice formula from Wal-Mart
2. Target’s generic Formula
3. Kirkland formula from Costco

Introducing...

2009-08-12T09:40:00.005-05:00

Good news!! Our adoption case was approved in the Ethiopian court and we are now officially the parents of Justin Bereket! Praise the Lord with us! We will be traveling to Ethiopia in a couple of weeks to go bring him home. Here is a video clip that I’ve been itching to share with you all. We have some friends who are missionaries in Addis Ababa, and they graciously went to visit him and take pictures of him for us. They sent us this little video clip and I think it is safe to say that it has been the most watched video ever on our computer! Enjoy his incredible cuteness!! (p.s. his Ethiopian name, Bereket, means "Blessing")

Loss for Words

2009-08-09T22:21:00.001-05:00

So I haven’t posted anything for a while. There are multiple reasons for that, the simplest reason to explain is that our computer had to be reformatted recently and I –who knows nothing about computers- have been frustrated with this machine and frankly a little scared of it! Things aren’t working or looking the same as before, and I need familiarity to use the computer comfortably. So I’ve just been avoiding the computer.

Also, I’m at a loss for words recently. I’ve been an avid “journaler” since I was 13, and writing has always been my outlet for sorting and expressing my thoughts, feelings, and ideas. Interestingly, my journal has been strangely neglected lately, which seems very odd to me considering this adoption is one of the biggest events in my life! I would have thought that I’d be pounding out pages at this point! But I think that there are some things that are so real, so raw, so significant, that words are too cheap to use. Some things are felt so deeply that trying to pin it down and slap a label on it is near impossible.

There are so many things that I could write about, but I don’t have the words for them right now. The song that I continue to hear in my mind is “Word of God Speak” by MercyMe. I’ll let the lyrics speak for me:

“Word of God Speak” by MercyMe

I'm finding myself at a loss for words
And the funny thing is it's okay
The last thing I need is to be heard
But to hear what You would say

[CHORUS]
Word of God speak
Would You pour down like rain
Washing my eyes to see
Your majesty
To be still and know
That You're in this place
Please let me stay and rest
In Your holiness
Word of God speak

I'm finding myself in the midst of You
Beyond the music, beyond the noise
All that I need is to be with You
And in the quiet hear Your voice

Court Date!

2009-07-15T23:17:00.001-05:00

We got our court date: August 12th! There had been rumors that the courts in Ethiopia were not going to close this year as they historically do in August and September, and since we got an August court date, I'm assuming that those rumors are true! After we pass through court, we can travel 2-4 weeks later to go bring our son home. But these dates are still not certain because only 60% of the cases pass through court on the first appointment (for various reasons including discrepancies or questions on the child's paperwork, or even power outages). If we don't pass through the first time, we would be rescheduled for another date. There is a little issue I'm concerned with regarding the timing... my brother is getting married in September and I don't want to miss his wedding! So we are praying that we would pass court, travel, and get home before the wedding -I know that the chances are slim, but here's hoping!

Stretch Marks

2009-07-13T15:25:00.005-05:00

I still have a few faded little stretch marks on my tummy from pregnancy –they are a reminder of how my abdomen grew and stretched to an all new size while pregnant.

I realized that is exactly what is happening to me now, only the stretching is mental, emotional, and spiritual rather than physical. My mind and heart have been growing -painfully at times- through this ongoing adoption process. –Struggling to process, grasp, and comprehend realities like famine, poverty, abandonment, orphans, racism, adoption, grace, trust, obedience… These are no longer far off issues that we may or may not decide to be concerned with, but they are very real, close to home, and a part of our family.

This is more than adding a third child to our home.
Vastly more.

This journey has been unfamiliar territory for me, each step filled with feelings that are foreign to me and I wrestle to identify them, make sense of them, and learn from them. I am not experienced in any of these issues and frankly I don’t even feel qualified to deal with them. But I am willing to.

I was talking to someone the other day about our adoption and I said, “This part is so hard!” And he responded, “It seems like no part of the process is easy.” That was such a simple and obvious comment, but it was an epiphany for me! Of course it is not easy! We never expected it to be! Just like our Christian journey, we don’t seek or expect the life of ease, but the road that leads us to Christ and conforms us more and more into His image. And that, my friend, is happening!

I am so thankful for the stretching that I’ve been blessed with. This is not about me and my emotions. It’s about a precious child in need of a loving family. It’s about obedience to the Lord. It’s about God’s sovereign weaving of lives together. It’s about God using the things of this world to teach us about the things of God.

I’m covered in stretch marks, they’re not visible, but I assure you, they are there!

Faces Help Make it Real

2009-07-13T11:21:00.008-05:00

I found this video online and wanted to share it because it gives real faces to the staggering statistics of the orphans in Ethiopia.

Information and Waiting

2009-07-08T15:03:00.006-05:00

While Travis and I wait for word on a court date, I have been feeling so restless! The other night Travis and I were talking about how we each spent so much time online that day, trying to look up information… on what exactly, we aren’t sure… but something that will somehow miraculously tell us when we will get through court and travel! We have become so accustomed to going online wherever we have a random question. When wondering about any tidbit of information or news, looking online usually satisfies our curiosity and answers our question. Now we are eager to hear about our court date… so we are looking online… looking at blogs of other adoptive families, and checking out when their court dates came in relation to their referral date… as if we will find an answer to satisfy our curiosity! We realize, of course, that we will just have to wait to find out our court date, but somehow, it seems that by our searching online we are doing something, we are “actively waiting” –whatever on earth that means!!

In any case, I found it humorous how in our anticipation for further news on our adoption, we go to the computer, in hopes that we will find our answer if we just search hard enough and well enough!

I’ve been thinking about waiting and how the object that we wait on to bring us news has changed over time, but waiting is still waiting. I imagine the pioneers of days past squinting into the horizon in eager anticipation of news arriving from a far off place. I remember in college when I was waiting for a letter of acceptance into the school of nursing, I waited restlessly everyday for the mail to arrive in anticipation of the news. I remember towards the end of my first pregnancy, I searched online for signs and symptoms of labor beginning, hoping I would find the magic answer to tell me when my moment would come. We have become more and more accustomed to and expectant of immediate answers and news.

Our 21st century American culture has done a pretty thorough job of eliminating waiting from our lives, most advertising and marketing treats any kind of waiting as a foe to be eliminated. The virtue of knowing delayed gratification seems to be a dimming thing of the past. But we haven’t been able to completely eliminate all waiting and have quick answers to all our questions.

So we are waiting, we are curious and eager for news, but we are waiting and there is nothing we can do to change that. We can’t hurry it, we can’t beat it, we can’t figure out the magic formula that will give us our answers.
We will just wait.

A referral...it's a boy!

2009-06-22T15:49:00.003-05:00

aOn Friday we got the long awaited call… We are soon-to-be parents of an 11 month old boy! Due to legal privacy rules, we are not allowed to post pictures or more information until we get everything through court, but I can tell you that he is precious! This feels very surreal right now as we are trying to outwardly process the legal aspect as well as inwardly process the emotional aspect! The next step is to get a court date and we are hoping that we can still get a court date before the Ethiopian courts close in August and September!

For months I’ve been wondering what this moment would feel like when it finally came, and now that the moment has come, I’m still wondering what it feels like! Our minds are still whirling as we try to understand that this little child on the other side of the world will soon (God willing) be joining our family and called our son! What an amazing work of God! I just feel like, “who am I?!” “Who am I that I should receive this blessing?!” “Who am I that I should be called this child’s mother?” …I am still processing all these things flying around in my head, but I keep thinking, “Who am I to be given this honor?!”

Kid-isms

2009-06-10T21:35:00.005-05:00

I get such a kick out of my boys. I just have to share some comments that they have made recently that gave me some chuckles:

Last weekend Ethan was faced with the decision of either continuing to play Legos with Caleb or going over to Uncle Russ’ house to “help” with a house project. He pondered the two choices for a bit, then looked up at me and said, “I really wish I didn’t have any Legos today!”

Caleb is so carefree; I never knew that there is something that he is calculating about: I just found out that Caleb has some preferred “special” underwear ("the ones with tanks and jets on them") in his stack of undies that he only wears on the “very special days that Daddy stays home”. Who knew?!

As Travis was praying with Ethan at bedtime, Ethan prayed this prayer, “Lord, thank-you for everything in the world, except pink dresses.” (He’s 100% boy!)

Soon!

2009-06-08T14:12:00.002-05:00

We received an email from our adoption agency informing us that we are “on deck”! This means that we probably will receive a referral in the next month or so! So our phone could ring anytime with news of our little one! Our agency can’t predict exactly when we will get a referral because it depends on how many children they receive from the orphanages each month and then paperwork and medical tests need to be done and processed before a referral can be made.

Just like when I was pregnant, I’m feeling the beginning of “labor pains”, indicating the imminence of something about to radically change our lives! We are so eager! This has been an awesome journey already and we know that God’s hand has been in every step.

What happens after the referral is made and accepted? The child’s paperwork then needs to be approved in the Ethiopian courts. This could cause delays in us traveling to pick him/her up because the Ethiopian courts close in August through September, so we probably would have to wait until after that to travel if we don’t get a court date before the court closures. After we pass court, travel is typically 2-4 weeks later.

Please pray with us for God’s guidance as the decisions are being made to match children with families. Please pray for this little one who is going through so many transitions and unknowns. My prayer through this whole waiting process has been that this child will have a strong sense of God’s presence and will be comforted by God’s arms even if human arms of love are lacking.

“God sets the lonely in families” Psalm 68:6a

Washing Dishes

2009-05-27T13:58:00.004-05:00

Recently Ethan and Caleb gave me a sweet surprise when I went into the kitchen and found them both perched up on stools at the kitchen sink, busily washing some dishes! Ethan turned and said to me, “We’re helping you, Momma!” I watched them joyfully and eagerly working together and I beamed with love and pride towards my sons who willingly began to help without my asking them.

After a bit, I said, “ok guys, we need to go to the store now, so get your shoes on.”
No response.
I repeated myself.
Ethan said over his shoulder, “But Momma, we need to wash dishes!” and continued in his work.
A third time I instructed them, this time with a firmer voice.
Finally they came scurrying over to the door where I was standing.

In that moment, the whole scenario so clearly showed me a picture of myself with the Lord. I asked God, “Is this what I do to you?!” Is this what it looks like when I busy myself in service for the Lord, eagerly and joyfully serving Him? It may be good and pleasing to Him, but once He gives me a new direction and yet I continue in what I am doing, it has now become disobedience!

Disobedience! That’s pretty strong! But as I saw so obviously with my boys, even when a task or area of service is needed, helpful, and good, when God has a new job for me to do, it has now become disobedience to continue in it. Two questions came to my mind. 1. Do I know God’s voice clearly enough to know when He is steering me in a new direction? 2. Am I listening to Him attentively enough so I will hear Him when He speaks? Or am I so engrossed in my present serving activities that I don’t even hear a new instruction? Does my pride keep me where I am, thinking I am so needed here that I couldn’t possibly move on to something else?

The last thing I would want when God says, “Come” is for me to respond with, “But I need to do these dishes!”

Adoption Update

2009-05-14T21:13:00.005-05:00

We received an email from our adoption agency this week telling us that the Federal Courts in Ethiopia have temporarily suspended writing recommendation letters for adoption for children abandoned in the capital city of Addis Ababa. Evidently there has been a significant increase in the number of abandoned children in the city, and the government wants to investigate to make sure all cases/paperwork are legitimate and free of corruption. How does this affect us? Our agency says that about 25% of the children they refer come from Addis, so while I assume this will slow the process, it will not be halted altogether for us.

It’s been difficult to be so personally and emotionally attached to a situation that is completely out of our hands! We obviously want any necessary investigation to be done regarding the authenticity of these children’s situations, but we are so eager to get our child home! This whole adoption/orphan world is so much bigger than us and our little plans and expectations. The issues and concerns that seem to get in the way of our agenda are so very important to the process, but it’s hard to see it that way when our desire is for haste! For me to even be concerned with how this investigation affects us feels like tunnel vision and very self-centered! This concern of abandoned children is a tragic reality that I have barely any clue about! At this point in our adoption process, I feel like we have only peeled back a tiny corner of a world that we are so naïve about in our understanding. God has called us and drawn us into this world, but I often find myself wanting to take the plan into my hand and wish it to go my way. I know in my head that is not the right move, but my heart keeps pulling me to desire one thing… a child in my arms. That will come in God’s time; right now He is continuing to work His plan, drawing in so many threads that I will never know the full extent of His working.

“God never hurries. There are no deadlines against which he must work. Only to know this is to quiet our spirits and relax our nerves.” A.W. Tozer

Thanks for your prayers; not just for us, but for all these precious children and other families involved in this great big unknown.

Word to the Wise

2009-04-24T12:57:00.004-05:00

I’ve been given much parenting advice over the years; but this is one nugget I wish I would have been offered:

When your boys suddenly become interested in brushing and combing your hair, go ahead and let them.
When they want to add some clips and doodads to your hair, be a good sport.
When they want you to put on some necklaces and bows to “make you ready for a wedding”, play along.
BUT, when they reach for the round brush, say “STOP!! This must end here!”

When I finally dislodged the brush, Ethan’s response was, “Let’s not use that one again.”
…Ya think?!

"Johnny the Bagger"

2009-04-20T11:15:00.000-05:00

America World Families

2009-04-02T22:18:00.004-05:00

I found this on YouTube, pictures of families from our adopotion agency who have been united with their children from Ethiopia. It brought tears to my eyes and I can't wait to be in their shoes!! Someday this will be us!

Looking for Paradise?

2009-03-31T18:53:00.004-05:00

I’ve been reading Tortured for Christ by Richard Wurmbrand, a pastor in Romania during the Soviet Union’s Communist takeover in Eastern Europe. He was imprisoned and tortured for many years for his relentless preaching of the gospel. After being ransomed from prison, he helped open the world’s eyes to the Christian persecution under communism and started The Voice of the Martyrs ministry. In this book, he mentioned how at the installation of the new Communist government in Romania, the Soviet Secretary of State, Vishinski, declared that “This new government will build an earthly paradise and you will no longer need a heavenly one.” His statement in that context was such an obvious example of how the Communists wanted to abolish all religion and form an atheistic state! My ire was aroused at such an arrogant and blatant disregard of our Creator and at the assumption that they could take the place of God!

But for a few days after having read that quote, I had an uneasy feeling as I heard a persistent scratching on my mind’s door. I finally recognized how that same perspective and assumption has subtly and deviously wormed its way into the thinking and expectations of many Christian Americans! Have we come to view our government as obliged to provide us with “paradise” on earth?! It seems that many Americans seek and feel that we deserve paradise here, now, with leaders who will rule with wisdom and righteousness -so much so that we lose our eternal perspective and lose our craving for heaven. Until heaven, our earthly laws will be imperfect, greed will always creep in, and leaders will continue to make mistakes. Frustration and division and contention and corruption will persist; period. All those imperfections are reminders that feed our yearning for our promised paradise, and that we have not yet arrived there.

Where is the craving for heaven in the songs we sing? Where is the anticipation and hunger for what’s to come, as expressed in the old spiritual, “Deep River”? The lyrics cry out: “Deep river, my home is over Jordan, Lord, I want to cross over into campground... Don't you want to go to the heavenly gospel feast? Oh, that promised land, where all is peace.” Or the song, “This World is Not My Home”, with the lyrics: “This world is not my home, I’m just passing through, my treasures are laid up somewhere beyond the blue. The angels beckon me from Heaven’s open door and I can’t feel at home in this world anymore.”

I want to be able to see all of the imperfection in our country and government and have a solid confidence and peace in my heart that says, “Yes, this is to be expected here on earth, and how I long for my heavenly paradise, where we will be ruled in wisdom and righteousness!” My hope is on that and then, not on the here and now.

“Infanticipating”

2009-03-11T13:50:00.008-05:00

I had never heard of this term (“infanticipating”) before last night when Travis mentioned it to me, but after doing a Google search, I realized it has been around for a while. In any case, I like it! It fits with our adoption situation right now! We are not pregnant, but we are eagerly anticipating a little one to join our family; we are infanticipating!

I wanted to share an adoption update, not that we have any new news to share, but just so you know our process a little better and hopefully will pray for us! We are continuing to learn the process and time estimates, and with things changing so often, we just continue to “go with the flow”. With the time frame that we had been going on, it looked like we might get a referral for a child by June. Now it looks like it might be longer –July? After we get a referral, we need to wait for our paperwork to pass through Ethiopian court (we have a Power of Attorney there so we don’t need to be present in court). The time line of getting a court date after accepting a referral seems to range from 1-2½ months. Even so, after scheduling a court date, 30% of our agency’s families don’t “pass court” on the first time (due to the court’s schedule for the day or questions about any information), and then need to reschedule for the next month. Additionally, the courts in Ethiopia close for two months from August through September (I don’t know why). So, if we do not receive a referral and pass court by July, we will have to wait until October for the courts to open again and complete the process!

Part of me wants to just resign to the fact that we will not see anything happen until this fall, but the other part of me so deeply hopes that we will get our court approval this summer before the courts close!! I feel so torn when praying because I want to have a patient spirit that trusts in God’s timing, but my heart’s desire is to bring this child home! The Lord knows my heart, so I may as well speak it back to Him in prayer, while also saying, “Yet, not my will, but Yours be done.”

While praying for this adoption and this child, I am so often silenced by my flood of tears. Praying becomes so overwhelming so quickly. I pray for the dear little one who will be ours, then I pray for those who are caring for him or her, then I begin to think of and pray for all the other children in that particular orphanage... then city... country... continent... world... I am flooded with overwhelming grief when I become sensitized to and aware of the desperate reality of so many lives in this world. The child we will be adopting deserves no more prayer than all the others, how do I pray for one and just stop?! To be able to pray for each of these, I should never stop!! What are these numbers they speak of?! What does 5,000,000 orphans in Ethiopia look like? My finite little mind and emotions are incapable of understanding or knowing how to process it! I am glad that we serve a big God who is able to carry this burden. And I feel so honored and blessed that He has called us to be His hands and feet in caring for the little one who is with us in our hearts and who will join us in body ...sometime.

The Unavoidable

2009-01-27T12:25:00.004-06:00

The only thing more difficult for me than venturing outside in winter is trying to do it with two young boys. Let me explain. Anyone who lives around here knows what it is like to run errands in the winter when you have to maneuver through a parking lot covered with dirty, sloppy slush, attempting to step gingerly as you weave through the salt covered cars without brushing your coat sleeves against them. One wrong move will result in either a coat covered in salt, or shoes and pants blotched with muddy slush.

I’ve never enjoyed this aspect of winter and I do my best to avoid such “contamination”. However, my challenge has become greater as I am now constantly linked to two youngsters who love to stomp and schlep through the mushy slush as it splatters all over them and me. Somehow their hands and bodies are magnetically drawn to the sides and bumpers of the salt and dirt encrusted cars in parking lots, making excursions outside impossible without inviting the winter grime to cling to us; all care and caution on my part seems to be fully thwarted by their innocently gleeful actions.

This last week, after a fresh snow, I was particularly focused on the mess created by the endless mounds of muddy, salty snow slop being constantly trekked into our van and house. Every exposure outdoors brought more in… messy and unpleasant, steady and unavoidable.

Meanwhile, internally, I was struggling through a different battle: the dichotomy between my intended, desired reactions to others and my actual ones. When I am in solitary communion with God, life is good, my perspective is focused and I can visualize my appropriate reaction to the world around me. But it seems that as soon as I venture out into the world, even if I only go as far as my husband and kids, I betray myself in how I intended to respond, I continuously have my sinful nature to contend with! My heart wants to be godly and selfless, but my sinful nature continues to fight against me –just like Paul talks about in Romans 7:7-25, “For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do” (v.15) I get so frustrated with myself, the inner battle that I constantly fight!

This past week, as I was thinking about my fight against the pervasiveness and insidiousness of both the messy snow and my sin nature, the two conflicts started to morph together… The sloppy snow is out there to contend with, fact. Walking in it gets messy; walking in it alongside others gets even messier. Our sin natures are here to contend with, fact. Dealing with it gets messy; dealing with it in relationship with others gets even messier. I can stay cleaner if I walk through a dirty parking lot alone (or if I stay away altogether). Similarly, I feel like I can stay “spiritually cleaner” so to speak when I am off the battlefield of human interaction! However, neither can nor should be avoided; both need to be faced head-on without retreat or cowardice.

Oswald Chambers says it well: “Our spiritual selfishness always wants repeated moments on the mountain. We feel that we could talk and live like perfect angels, if we could only stay on the mountaintop. …But the true test of our spiritual life is in exhibiting the power to descend from the mountain…we are made for the valley and the ordinary things of life, and that is where we have to prove our stamina and strength.”

Just as Peter wanted to stay on the mountain of transfiguration, I also wish to stay in my moments with the Lord where I don’t have to enter life’s “icky parking lot”, where the unpleasantness of myself and others await. The valleys are where we will splatter dirty slush on each other (intentionally or inadvertently), nonetheless, this is where we are called to live. So since I must live here and continue to fight both battles, I need a strategy… And my battle plans for both are similar: use caution and restraint on my part, extend grace and forbearance to others that I am walking with.

(Oswald Chambers' quote from My Utmost for His Highest)

"I'm Watching You"

2008-12-28T14:29:00.002-06:00

Love this!

Carrying You With Me

2008-12-23T12:53:00.004-06:00

To my little one:

I bought myself a gift as a reminder of you. It’s my way of carrying you with me so I can hold you close even though you are on the other side of the world.

I can’t carry you in my womb; God gave that honor to someone else. So instead, I am carrying you in my heart and around my neck.

I’ve explained to your brothers that when they see my necklace, to remember to pray for you and for God’s protection of you. At unprompted times, both Ethan and Caleb have prayed for you. Recently Caleb prayed this prayer: “…and thank you for our snow storm, and keep our baby safe if he is scared if he hears the storm by us…” Your brothers are thinking of you and care about you.

So now it is Christmas time, but I am not ready for it. This is a holiday filled with celebration and appreciation of family and togetherness. But we are not together. You are still far away and have not yet been brought home. There is something missing this Christmas. You.

So please know that I am constantly carrying you in my heart; I’m displaying the reminder of you with my necklace. We all are praying for you. I am missing you this Christmas. I am waiting for you. I love you. Merry Christmas, my child.

Excited?!

2008-11-22T12:49:00.007-06:00

As we are in the waiting process for the adoption of our child that God has for us in Ethiopia, people often are saying to us, “Aren’t you excited?!” or “I bet you are so excited!” And although on one hand I can say that we are excited and eagerly anticipate the day that we can hold this little child and call him ours, on the other hand, there is another emotion. This emotion is actually stronger and has been more dominant in my heart recently. It started as a nebulous hinting that I couldn’t quite identify, but as I searched, I realized that there was a word to define how I’ve been feeling: grieving. I know it must seem odd to say that I am grieving as we wait to adopt a child, but as I think of his life in Ethiopia right now, and assume he is probably already or soon to be born, there is a very traumatic road that child needs to travel before he arrives in our eager arms. His life does not start in an orphanage. His life started in the womb of a mother, forming a fiercely strong, God-given bond that no one would ever wish to be severed. Before we ever meet this child, for one reason or another the love of his life, his mother, must be ripped from him. There is no pretty way to think about that and I certainly cannot say that I am excited about it!

I was not anticipating feeling this way, but I recently talked to another adoptive mom who agreed with the emotion and validated how I was feeling. Interestingly, you cannot grieve what you do not love, so God is obviously growing a love in my heart for this little one I have yet to meet. And for that love to grow, I need to grieve this loss with him.

I’ve been thinking about Ecclesiastes 3:1&4, “There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven…a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance.” I’m beginning to see that this season for me (I don’t know how long it will be) is a time to weep and mourn, the laughing and dancing will come.

Further, this experience has been giving me a brighter glimpse of the Lord’s love for me when he adopted me as his daughter (Eph.1:5). He grieved my severed relationship with him due to my sinfulness; Genesis 6 tells us how our sinfulness grieves the Lord and fills his heart with pain. A part of his sacrifice to make me his daughter included his grieving over the state I was in, because of his love for me. I thank the Lord that he grieved my separation from him so that he would make the sacrifice needed to bring me into his family! “But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near through the blood of Christ.”(Eph. 2:13) I never quite saw it all this way before. Before, I saw this truth intellectually, now I know it more deeply as my heart is living it.